JESSICA, YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE NOTES

This has its moments of being a little oversung (yelled) and whatnot, but man, can this chick SING. I like Christina. There's no one out there like her, and what an instrument. JEALOUS!

JESSICA SIMPSON IS A MAJOR TALENT

And don't you say otherwise. I mean, it takes a lot of primping to sound just this shitty.

IF YOU'RE CONSIDERING SUICIDE



This could be the video that finally makes you pull the trigger.

Enjoy.

THE ONLY NON-SUCKY PERFORMANCE AT THE VMAs

Viva used to like 'em young, and Justin, well, the man is pretty edible. He needs to ditch PockMark (Cameron) though. I hear they are on the outs anyway. He he. Plus, the man can dance. There is nothing better than a man with rythym. Love him!!!!

THE VMAs SUCKED ASS







Like hairy man-ass. Who knew Jack Black could be so spectacularly unfunny? Who knew that the categories like "Best Cellphone Ring" could showcase just how irrelevant this show has become? Who knew J. Lo was channeling Norma Desmond with the silver skullcap and matching dress?

In short, everyone and everything sucked and I am happy to be an old codger who grew up during a time when the VMAs were actually cool.

One highpoint (and there appeared to be only one) was Justin Timberlake. People who know Viva know I love me my boy bands, and dude, if that "Sexyback" isn't catchy! It just makes me want to do shots and cage dance. Viva loves the cage dancing, hand blisters and forehead bruises and all. Listen to Sexyback here.

THE BRILLIANCE OF "SOUTH PARK"

With the publishing of the John Travolta Big Gay Pic, I thought this was fitting. And totally hysterical. Watch John Travolta and Tom Cruise "trapped in the closet." R. Kelly shows up for good measure.

Cackle, cackle, cackle....

SOMEBODY NEEDS A BIG GAY AUDIT




In the most shocking news since discovering the earth is round, the sky is blue, and global warming is causing the polar ice caps to melt, the upcoming Enquirer is publishing this picture of John Travolta giving a "close male friend" a hearty hello (or good-bye, or "please pull your pants down and show me your winky!").

Sure this guy could be European, or maybe Canadians (the photo was taken in Toronto) are freaky-deeks and like to kiss. But enough stories have circulated throughout the years about Travolta horrifying male massuers that make me think otherwise.

Whatever will the Scientologists say? They are not big on this gay shit, and may demote him, or better yet, put him in one of those "cleansing" programs to de-gay him. Again. Paging Tom Cruise! But anyhow....

Not only do I 100% think he is gay, I also think the Wifey (Kelly Preston) knows it too. But hey, she is swimming in Lear Jets and more money than most of us will ever see in a lifetime. If I met a nice guy who was totally loaded, who would throw me some sperm for a kid or two, set me up for life AND watch "Mommie Dearest" with me, I'd put up with a "Good friend named Steve" too. It's all good.

Because Everyone Needs a Little Shatner

For whatever reason, I love this man. He's so completely enamored with himself. It's brilliant! It's classic amusement for the ages! It's "Things That Make You Go 'WTF'?"

Love Live Shatner.

IT'S ALL SMOKE AND MIRRORS....

Can I get a Photoshop expert to follow me around? Because, I seriously need their services. I just got back some recent pictures of my haggard self wherein I realized, in horror, I have grown a Ned--half neck, half head, all bad--similar to a MOG (half man, half dog--come on, there have to be some "Space Balls" dorks out there), but I am not, in any way, my own best friend. Any semblance of a jawline that I used to have has all but disappeared. As I eat this crumbcake I just made, I wonder where it went??? Now, if I had me a retoucher, he could swipe all that shit away, and make my all thin and hot again. Just like Katie Couric. Or her retouched picture. Bitch looks good!

From The New York Post

August 30, 2006 -- Talk about a miracle diet - Katie Couric has become the Incredible Shrinking Anchorwoman.
Thanks to a computer "slight" of hand, the Tiffany network has made the new face of "CBS Evening News" instantly drop about 20 pounds.
In a picture widely distributed to the media last month, a normal-looking Couric wore a frumpy light gray suit and her trademark smile.
But thanks to Photoshop, the popular editing software, the same photo, printed in a CBS magazine, shows her looking much, much thinner - and her suit has become a few shades darker.
Couric, who was made aware of the picture's alteration yesterday, joked that she liked the original better.
"There's more of me to love," she quipped.
The picture was taken in May when Couric, 49, appeared at the CBS "Upfront" presentation at Carnegie Hall.
It was later widely distributed by CBS as an official photo of its new $15 million-a-year anchor- woman.
Then the computer generated version appeared in the latest quarterly edition of Watch!
It's produced and edited by the CBS press department and distributed to network employees, news-media outlets, affiliates, network gift shops and Paramount-owned theme parks.
Network officials say the magazine has a circulation of around 400,000.
"The picture was retouched without the knowledge of Ms. Couric or CBS News management," a CBS spokesman said.
As far as the magazine goes, an insider insisted the publication was just following normal industry practice when it shrunk Couric.
He claimed that just about all magazines tinker with photos - even though some top photographers and photo editors at news organizations have lost their jobs in recent times for doing just that.
Most media experts say that whenever a photo is altered in any way, the public should be alerted, although it's more of a problem if it occurs at newsmagazines rather than a magazine a company publishes about itself.
A top health expert joked that if Couric dropped the weight as rapidly as she appeared to, it would have cost her an arm or a leg - literally.
"Besides Photoshop, the only other way to lose 20 pounds in a matter of seconds would be to hack off a limb," joked Samantha Heller, the senior clinical nutritionist at NYU Medical Center.
"I mean, liposuction is pretty fast - but that takes longer since you have to prep for surgery and everything."
On a more serious note, she said, "Of course the healthy way to do it wouldn't be fast.
"If you lose weight too quickly it scares your body - the body is not designed to lose weight quickly. [Instead], cut back on the junk, pretty standard stuff. Katie could eat more vegetables, cut down on carbs and increase her exercise," said Heller.
"I know she has a trainer because she talked about it [when she was on 'Today'] so she could have the trainer pump up her exercise a bit."