PREGNANCY AT ITS FINEST





In honor of my dear friend who is pregnant and awaiting and the impending birth of the Hottest Babies Ever (yes, she is having two--when one of my friends decides to do something, they DO it), I present "How to Have a Baby," courtesy of "Absolutely Fabulous."

When talking about the Miracle of Life, most friends would post some sweet baby fluff filled with fuzzy bunnies and kittens, or duckies--all those baby-type things. Viva is not that kind of friend; further, she is looking forward to being the Wackiest Aunt Ever (lock the liquor cabinet).

This is one of the best episodes ever. "A vile musky whiff of fecundity in the air." The dialogue is genius.

It really is the Best Show Ever. The Best Show Ever for the Cutest Soon-To-Be Newborns Ever!!!

AS MY BIRTHDAY APPROACHES ...





I like to remind myself how really, fucking ancient I am (yes, the "fucking" was necessary). Stuff like this reminds me how long I've been alive, and how my bones are slowly turning to dust.

But as old as I am, these guys are way older. And aside from JT, who remains perpetually hot, time has not been kind to them either.

I always loved this song though. It makes no sense whatsoever, but it's catchy.

Duran was like that. None of their songs make any sense. Simon called it his "artistic vision" or what have you. And the videos--what the hell? Acid trips, every one. It's all part of the New Romantic movement, which I am also old enough to remember.

But guess what, all you young whippersnappers--ankle boots are back in style. HA HA HA. I may have to dig out my "vintage" black suede slouch boots, and grab a fedora. Maybe some tapered leg jeans with zippers at the bottom, paired with a huge button down shirt, with a big pin on the collar. Maybe a Forenza sweater vest over it!!! And bright blue eyeliner AND bright blue mascara, just like Donna Mills from Knots Landing. And, of course, lots of Aquanet. Nothing speaks of my formative years more than Aquanet. The smell of it still gives me flashbacks.

Oh you know you used it too. If you are a geezer like me, anyway. IF YOU'VE NEVER HAD BIG HAIR, YOU HAVEN'T LIVED.

THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY, FRIDAY EDITION




Most days, I live a normal quiet life of simple pleasures. But every once in a while, the Lord Baby Jesus throws me a bone. Today is one of those days. Lohan was robbed ( it's always smart to wander off and leave your $5000 Birkin bag, most likely stuffed with coke and dildos, on the baggage cart when departing from an international airport), and as everyone knows, Paris Herpes, I mean, Hilton, was arrested for DUI. I love this pic because it totally looks like she's being picked up for prostitution. Which I wouldn't put past her either.

Isn't the Lord wonderful??? You know what could make this day a virtual Holy Trinity of Karmic Justice? Jessica Simpson gets speared through the heart by an angry stingray. It wasn't funny when it happened to poor Steve Irwin, but Jessica could make this a laugh riot, while drowning in a pool of her own blood. The chances of this happening again this week is rare, but a girl can dream, can't she? Don't ruin my murderous fantasy! Go, stingray, go!!!!

FOR WHATEVER REASON...


























When I saw this picture of Xtina, I had a flashback to "Village of the Damned." See the resemblance? Her eyes are strangely demonic. Like she is saying, "My name is Christina Aguilera and I love to make hit records and wear skimpy outfits.


Oh and consume your immortal soul."

Very unnerving.

VIVA'S CONTRIBUTION TO GLOBAL WARMING

Sorry the posts have been shit today--Viva is awash in approximately 5 jillion new projects and will likely never see the light of day again. She is hauling ass to make the payments on her fun new car. Oh yes indeedy. In "Enviromental Warrior News," I have done my part to add craploads of emissions into the atmosphere, ensuring that the polar ice caps will melt into the sea and cause the ocean levels to rise about 20 feet. In short, my new car may very well sink NYC and Florida. Harried New Yorkers will have to wear scuba gear to get downtown. Real estate will continue to cost too much goddamned money in Gotham, regardless--I bet an underwater studio will still run $3K a month--they'll advertise it as having an "ocean view." Fuckers.

But I digress.

Anyhow, here is the new ride, the tricked out Nissan Pathfinder SE, with a bunch of bells and whistles I will probably never use.. A swanky little vehicle, ain't it? Actually, it is pretty damned big, and I feel like I am comandeering a truck when I barrel down the road. But I look snazzy and that is all that matters. Who cares if it gets 2 miles to the gallon? Who cares if it has baby sealskin hubcabs, and represents the worst in bloated American consumerism? It's Ipod compatible! Whoo hoo!!!!!

I STILL DON'T BUY IT





It's a sad state of affairs when a baby has to be photoshopped within an inch of her life. I hold fast to my opinion that they built her in the lab. And what is with the fur on the kid's head? Watch, God will smote me big time, and give me a baby with more hair on its head than a chinchilla as punishment for picking on this innocent kid, but whatever. Fur is for monkeys. Maybe the Thetans used monkey DNA to give baby Suri an authentic swarthy look, so that people might believe she is biologically related to Tom and Katie? We will never know. At least this kid isn't as ugly as Heidi Klum and Seal's monkey baby (and they are pregnant again, so let's say a collective prayer that the next one is not nearly as unfortunate-looking as Baby Henry).

I want the un-retouched photos! You know, the ones that show the gills on the sides of Suri's head. Bring 'em forward!

CRIKEY!!!!





I just heard about legendary "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin biting the big one, and instantly thought that one of those crocodiles he so loved to annoy finally pulled one over on him, and got a good chomp through his carotid artery. Not so. The Croc Hunter met his maker while swimming in the ocean and somehow managing to get himself impaled by a stingray--right through the heart no less. You know that's gotta hurt. Apparently, it is a rare and exceptionally freakish way to die, so I think Steve must be pleased with that, from the Great Beyond. How many people do you know who crapped out because they were speared by a stingray? Not many. That's one for the record books.

What gets me about his death, is basically the same problem I have with most kooky conservationalists out there, who go all preachy and batty and try to "commune" with the animals, be they crocodiles, or gorillas, or cranky brown bears (remember the stupid nutjob who thought the nice brown bears were his "friends" and then got himself and his girlfriend torn to bits by one of his buddies out in Alaska?)--Folks, these are wild animals. Wild animals with Big Sharp Teeth and poor personal communication skills. Or 10 inch long barbs that pierce through hearts. These animals do not want to be friends with you, or hang out and have a Corona. They want to be left alone, or, perhaps, they want to turn you into a happy meal. Either way, they will fuck your shit up, as it were, and you'd be wise to steer clear of them. Steve learned that the hard way.

I really don't feel all that bad for Steve Irwin. He knew the risks of tempting the fates with these wild animals, and today he drew the short stick. Shit happens. I DO however, have mucho sympathy for his wife and two kids, who will grow up without a dad, thanks to a panicked stingray. Senseless and completely avoidable, but what can you do? Life is wacky like that. RIP Steve and his clingy khaki shorts (crikey, indeed!)

From MSNBC

CAIRNS, Australia - Steve Irwin, the hugely popular Australian television personality and conservationist known as the “Crocodile Hunter,” was killed Monday by a stingray while filming off the Great Barrier Reef. He was 44.

Irwin was at Batt Reef, off the remote coast of northeastern Queensland state, shooting a segment for a series called “Ocean’s Deadliest” when he swam too close to one of the animals, which have a poisonous bard on their tails, his friend and colleague John Stainton said.

“He came on top of the stingray and the stingray’s barb went up and into his chest and put a hole into his heart,” said Stainton, who was on board Irwin’s boat at the time.

Crew members aboard the boat, Croc One, called emergency services in the nearest city, Cairns, and administered CPR as they rushed the boat to nearby Low Isle to meet a rescue helicopter. Medical staff pronounced Irwin dead when they arrived a short time later, Stainton said.

Irwin was famous for his enthusiasm for wildlife and his catchword “Crikey!” in his television program “Crocodile Hunter.” First broadcast in Australia in 1992, the program was picked up by the Discovery network, catapulting Irwin to international celebrity.

He rode his image into a feature film, 2002’s “The Crocodile Hunters: Collision Course” and developed the wildlife park that his parents opened, Australia Zoo, into a major tourist attraction.

“The world has lost a great wildlife icon, a passionate conservationist and one of the proudest dads on the planet,” Stainton told reporters in Cairns. “He died doing what he loved best and left this world in a happy and peaceful state of mind. He would have said, ’Crocs Rule!”’

'A huge loss to Australia'
Prime Minister John Howard, who hand-picked Irwin to attend a gala barbecue to honor President Bush when he visited in 2003, said he was “shocked and distressed at Steve Irwin’s sudden, untimely and freakish death.”

“It’s a huge loss to Australia,” Howard told reporters. “He was a wonderful character. He was a passionate environmentalist. He brought joy and entertainment and excitement to millions of people.”

Irwin, who made a trademark of hovering dangerously close to untethered crocodiles and leaping on their backs, spoke in rapid-fire bursts with a thick Australian accent and was almost never seen without his uniform of khaki shorts and shirt and heavy boots.

His ebullience was infectious and Australian officials sought him out for photo opportunities and to promote Australia internationally.

Irwin’s public image was dented, however, in 2004 when he caused an uproar by holding his infant son in one arm while feeding large crocodiles inside a zoo pen. Irwin claimed at the time there was no danger to the child, and authorities declined to charge Irwin with violating safety regulations.

Later that year, he was accused of getting too close to penguins, a seal and humpback whales in Antarctica while making a documentary. Irwin denied any wrongdoing, and an Australian Environment Department investigation recommended no action be taken against him.

Stingrays have a serrated, toxin-loaded barb, or spine, on the top of their tail. The barb, which can be up to 10 inches long, flexes if a ray is frightened. Stings usually occur to people when they step on or swim too close to a ray and can be excruciatingly painful but are rarely fatal, said University of Queensland marine neuroscientist Shaun Collin.

'Extraordinarily bad luck'
Collin said he suspected Irwin died because the barb pierced under his ribcage and directly into his heart.

“It was extraordinarily bad luck. It’s not easy to get spined by a stingray and to be killed by one is very rare,” Collin said.

News of Irwin’s death spread quickly, and tributes flowed from all quarters of society.

At Australia Zoo at Beerwah, south Queensland, floral tributes were dropped at the entrance, where a huge fake crocodile gapes. Drivers honked their horns as they passed.

“Steve, from all God’s creatures, thank you. Rest in peace,” was written on a card with a bouquet of native flowers.

“We’re all very shocked. I don’t know what the zoo will do without him. He’s done so much for us, the environment and it’s a big loss,” said Paula Kelly, a local resident and volunteer at the zoo, after dropping off a wreath at the gate.

Stainton said Irwin’s American-born wife Terri, from Eugene, Ore., had been informed of his death, and had told their daughter Bindi Sue, 8, and son Bob, who will turn 3 in December.

The couple met when she went on vacation in Australia in 1991 and visited Irwin’s Australia Zoo; they were married six months later. Sometimes referred to as the “Crocodile Huntress,” she costarred on her husband’s television show and in his 2002 movie.