Apparently Cameron Diaz has gone and gotten herself a nose job. From the NY Post:

"COPYCAT NOSE

CAMERON Diaz has had some work done. She was so impressed with the changes to Ashlee Simpson's nose, Diaz decided to trust Simpson's doctor with her own schnozz. Diaz has had a slight bump on her nose since a surfing accident last year and wanted to correct it - and sources say she recently did just that. E-mails to Diaz's rep, Brad Cafarelli, were not returned"

Frankly, I do not get this girl's appeal. She looks like someone came up to her and smacked her in the face with a shovel. A big, heavy shovel. Proactive, honey, proactive! If you're going to take one Simpson's lead, you should take the other!!!! Bastards.

(Image courtesy of
Gallery of the Absurd)

Britney, Britney, Britney

Did Y'All See the Britney Spears/Matt Lauer Trainwreck Last Night?

I watched the interview, wanting to root for Britney and at points I did (the tears did it to me--who can hate on a pregnant, crying, hillbilly--Maury Povich has gotten rich off chicks like this), but she needs to be reprimanded for some basic things that happened during this interview:

1. Accountability--Pouting and saying "we're country" as an excuse to drive with your baby on your lap, no matter what the paparazzi are doing, is ridiculous. What if there was an accident? Are Baby's Crushed Ribcage or Baby's Brains on the Dashboard "country" too? I didn't think so. If she owned up to it and said "I realize now that I made a mistake," I might be able to look past this. But she was defending her decision and that makes her look like a moron. As far as tripping, or the kid falling, or even the fucked-up car seat, I can let that slide, but this? No. What was she thinking?

2. Honesty: She is lying about her relationship with Kevin, and boy oh boy, she sure is a crappy liar. Every time she is asked a question about their relationship, she looks at the floor (maybe to the basement, where he is likely staying), the wall, the sky--but mostly the floor. The fact that Kevin, publicity whore, did not want to be interviewed, speaks volumes. This is not a happy couple, but Brit did this to herself--I mean, she didn't "know" for 2 months that he had a pregnant girlfriend? I don't buy that for one second. This guy is a cancer, but as long as she will finance him, he's not going anywhere. Sad.

3. For being worth 100 million dollars, come on now. I am work from home in my pajamas and spend most of the day talking to my dog, and even I manage to pull it together better than her. Why would she choose to do this type of an interview with no stylist? That mascara clump was unforgivable. The Joyce Leslie ensemble, the purple fingernails, the thumb ring (I have an aversion to thumb rings), and the Gor-Jess hair extensions? Why? WHY WHY WHY? I really do not understand. I know she doesn't want to listen to anyone anymore, but perhaps listening to a Gay Who Knows Better might have helped her here. Very sad, especially when clips of her as a younger, hotter, smarter girl were shown throughout in comparison.

Britney seems like a nice person--simple-minded, yes, but nice. And remember, she is only 24, which I think has a lot to do with the decisions she's made. Sadly, I look at her and think she is so much older--she looks tired. She IS tired. I hope she's invested her money well.

You know somewhere, Christina Aguilera is watching that interview over and over on Tivo and cackling through her red lipstick

Because every woman has had an angry vagina....

Who takes hostages, and pulls guns on people. This is one of my favorite South Park episodes. Oprah's vagina and tuchus take things to extreme measures after years of neglect. He he.

Another post-less day, but I have a better reason than work. Off to beautiful Scranton, PA, home of cheap beer, cheese fries, and people who say "Heyna or no?" to drink my face off and pretend I am still 21 (which, of course, I am farrrrrrr from). Wishing you all a fabbo weekend. Drink lots, throw people around, watch Lifetime--you know, all the stuff that makes life worth living.

Britney, Functionally retarded, or...just retarded?

I shouldn't call her retarded. That is an insult to retarded people everywhere. She should be sterilized though, both she and that wigger husband of hers.

Madonna - Get Together

Trippy, but the bitch is hot for pushing 50. I should only have a body like that! Oi Vey!!!

Posting will be crap today as I have a massive project due and a trip to the hoppin' town of Scranton, PA, ahead of me tomorrow. So go watch MacGyver or something already.

Peace out.

Henry Rollins: A Love Letter To Ann Coulter

This is for my dear friend Chris Holmes, the Bleeding Liberal and General Good Guy.

This better generate a comment or two, dammit!!!

People Who Annoy The Living Crap Out of Me, Edition 1: Katharine McPhee

She's young, she's gorgeous, she has already made more money than I have in my entire life, and she's got a recording contract. She is also fake-ity, fake, fake, and soul-less too, but in Hollywood, this is a GOOD thing. Fuck her, and her "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and "My Destiny." Screw her perfect, unlined skin. I can only hope she ends up like Britney, but I doubt her witch of a stage mother would allow that. Stupid McPheever.....

Gest Goes Gay--SHOCKING

I have a massive project which is way overdue, and am about to be fired--I know you people do not care about that, but I am telling you anyway. But I just heard this little story, courtesy of the New York Post, and found it hilarious. It seems that Liza With a Z's ex-husband, the surgical wonder David Gest MAY (gasp) LIKE BOYS. Who knew? Read on....

June 14, 2006 -- LIZA Minnelli's estranged hubby sexually harassed his male assistant, making crude comments about his manhood and grabbing his rear end, a federal lawsuit claims.
Charles Beyer said he went to work for David Gest at his Tennessee home on July 25, 2005, and the oddball producer made "sexual gestures from the beginning, forcing me to use his computer in the master bathroom, making comments such as, 'You have a small [sex organ], I bet,' [and] grabbing my butt."

Beyer claims Gest also "wrote in my calendar on numerous occasions," leaving directions such as, "Shake my penis, make sure it feels good," wash it "in hot water" and "dip it in chocolate fudge."

"All the allegations are false," Gest's lawyer, Eddie Bearman, told The Post's Dareh Gregorian. He called Beyer's $300,000 suit "a bogus attempt to get money from a celebrity" and noted the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission dimissed Beyer's complaint against Gest.

Beyer didn't return our call, but his suit is filled with explicit claims about Gest's "unwelcome physical and verbal sexual harassment." Once, Gest allegedly told an employee at a casino that Beyer had "had a sex change" and "was actually a woman." The employee "came to me while I was with my fiancée and congratulated me on such a good job," Beyer's filing says. "It was humiliating."

Gest supposedly told actress Jane Russell that Beyer was married to his male hairdresser, and once grabbed Beyer's "private area" - and once paid his bodyguard to grab it, the filing says. After Beyer complained to the EEOC, Gest toned down his physical antics but continued to "make comments about my manhood," Beyer said.

According to Bearman, Russell denies Beyer's account, saying it was "made up," and has offered to testify on Gest's behalf.

Beyer, 35, claims Gest yelled at him when he stuck up for Minnelli, whom Gest is suing for allegedly beating him up.
"He was taking items such as LPs that were marked 'Liza' and began pouring paint on them," Beyer says. "I told him just send her stuff back . . . I told him she would understand and it would look better for him. He said, 'HELL NO!!!"

Bearman said Gest has "ample evidence to refute" Beyer's claims, including numerous witnesses. He also said Gest has been an ideal citizen since moving to Tennessee: "This is a man who's very helpful to the Memphis community, doing wonderful things - feeding the homeless and other civic-minded deeds."

Is it a bee?

A classic Ab Fab skit for you whores. Our favorite girls hallucinating away. Thish ish the one........

First Desperate Plea for Comments (Yes, I am a sniveling hack)

Look people, I know you are in here. My stats tell me that folks are coming by and reading this crap, but yet, my comments section is anorexic. This, we cannot have.

Drama whores like me live for feedback--you love me, you hate me, you think I'm off-kilter, I want it all, and a bag of chips.

So click on that little link at the bottom of every post--see it? It says "comments" and seems very friendly, right? SHOW THE LOVE! Make a bitter woman's day. If you can't do it for me, do it for my dog, Cooper. Ain't he cute? And he has to live with me all day while I check in and curse my unpopularity. Cooper would be an alcoholic if he were human, just to drown me out. But he is a dog, and wants peace and quiet. So comment!

Because I love Vincent Price....and you should too

And the muppets rock too. I have always had a huge thing for this guy, and watched every campy Edgar Allen Poe movie that he was in, back in the day (they used to play them on Saturday afternoons on what is now the Fox channel). And who could forget him in the Tiki Curse episode of the Brady Bunch!!!Just a great actor and a great voice. If he had lived to his last birthday (May, 27th), he would have been 95 years old. Sadly, he popped off in 1993.

Go out and rent one of his movies (I particularly like The Raven with Boris Karloff and Peter Lorre). Genius, I tell you!

I hate this ignorant slut, and vowed to never give her face time on Vivalashameless, but a friend and fellow U of S alumni, the exceptionally funny
Mark Manne includes a fabulous song in his stand-up act, called "Everything That's Wrong With America Today (A.K.A. The Paris Hilton Song ) is just fucking awesome. If you live in the NYC area, go and check out one of his shows... This song even got a mention on Page Six of the NY Post, which I think it pretty neat, eh????

Anything that can be done to eviscerate this woman, both literally and figuratively, I support.

Maybe she's been manging on the Mallomars since little Pile-O (Shit) Nouvel has been born, but it is rare to see Jennifer looking like a lump of potatoes (a silver one, nonetheless), but she manages to do just that at the French premiere of "The Break-Up"

FYI, no matter how flat you are, time is unkind to all of us post-30 women. You need to wear a bra. Yes, it is time. Lift, and separate!!

Welcome little Kingston James McGregor Elvis, or whatever the hell his name is. I love Gavin Rossdale, don't get me wrong, but I remember back in the day, Gavs "hung out" with Marilyn (whom many of you youngsters may not know). Here is a picture, of, uh, her:



And if you want to check out "her" website, be my guest!

Do you think they had at it? I mean, for a He-She, Marilyn was quite the looker. Better he fucked him than Boy George, you know?

But, congratulations to Gwennie nonetheless. She is hellacool. Loves her!

Recent pictures of Michael Jackson and the "bruises" he suffered at the hands of police have surfaced--What I find more freaky is that, in these pics, you can see the tape that holds his nose on. IT HOLDS HIS NOSE ON. This deserves a song.

He told me his name was Michael J
and he wasn't gay
But something told me this guy was fey
Look at his face...

(It's been snipped, it's been tucked, it's been ground...)

He said he didn't like little boys
or children's toys
But multimillion dollar payouts
say otherwise

(He's a perv, he's a freak, pedophile!)

People used to love him, they'd flock to see him play
And now he lives off in Dubaiiiii (heeeeeeeee!)
He's threatening to tour now, and we can we all say
Just keep it overseas, make sure you stay awaaaaaaayyyyyyy.

Michael J. is such a freakshow (heeeeee!)
He's just a guy who used to HAVVVVVVVE a nose
But now it's just a hole (do, do, do, do do--hee, hee, hee!)

You know Michael J (he says he's not the one)
With the plastic nose eh? (we know he likes the twinks)

Michael J should not have children (hee!), Michael J. should not have children......

Britney Spears - The Reason for Nasty Celebrity Haiku


Celebrity Haiku--Britney Spears

(Audio-blog to come in a bit--the husband is home and will think I'm out of my nut if I record this in front of him--bear with me, people!)

UPDATE: (here it is!):

Britney, where did your
chin go? Pregnancy is hard.
But you look like shit.

Yes, you are people.
People who should know better,
than to leave the house.

Hair extensions, why?
If you have them, keep them clean.
Or birds will build nests.

Dump Federline now!
Your divorce denials are
Sounding pretty weak.

Go, save Sean Preston
From lap-driving and head trauma.
Britney pouts and shrugs.

Mommy 101
Car seats keep baby’s brain from
Going splat and squish

Somewhere in L.A.
Timberlake sighs with relief
Thrilled he got away….

White Trash should not breed
Tater Tot and Hash Brown Spears
Ore-Ida is shamed.

Y’all leave me alone!
My career is a bust so
Let me eat in peace

NEVER GET OUT OF BED AGAIN!!!!!

For Joey.....

Sometimes Louis, dead is better.....

The Evil Dead Versus Mommie Dearest

This is for Jenn (whom I watched "Evil Dead" with), and Dre, Jill, Joey, Janine, and Ellen--without whom "Mommie Dearest" would not be one of the Best Movies of All Time.

Whoever made this is seriously fucked up. Love them!!!!!

Judy goes postal....



From the release:

"In June, Judy Garland becomes the 12th honoree in the Legends of Hollywood series. In 1940, Garland won a special Academy Award "for her outstanding performance as a screen juvenile" for her performances in the 1939 films Babes in Arms and The Wizard of Oz. "Over the Rainbow" is one of the many classic songs she introduced to her audience. The "Judy Garland" stamp image is based on a publicity photo from A Star is Born, and the side of the stamp sheet depicts her as Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz."


I think this is pretty awesome. I love Judy Garland. The woman had both utter dysfunction, a great set of lungs and even bigger talent, and a proclivity for picking the most fey husbands going. And she gave birth to Liza, which is another post in and of itself.

My personal connection to Judy is a lifelong love affair with "The Man That Got Away" (the song, that is). My mother decided, while I was in high school, that this was the perfect audition song for me, and I have been belting it out ever since, with varying degrees of success. Of course, I suck in comparison to the great Miss Garland, but I give it the old college try.

I will have to post about how my NYC roommates "attended" Liza With a Z's ill-fated wedding to surgically clefted David Gest. When Michael Jackson and Liz Taylor are the best man and maid of honor, you know things are going to go south, in a Fellini-esque sort of way.

YAY for Judy though--I'll have to run out and get me some of these.....