DEATH AND TRIMSPA: A GIDDY ANNA NICOLE AND A VERY DEAD E. PIERCE MARSHALL




Anna Nicole might break her pregnancy-mandated sobriety today to celebrate the passing of E. Pierce Marshall, who died an untimely death at the age of 67 from a severe and aggressive infection (sounds like septic shock to me). Any hoo ha, Pierce is the son of J. Howard Marshall, the ancient dude Nicole married (for cash) for love back in the 90s. Pierce and Anna have been duking it out in court for what seems like eternity over a motherload of cash--like $400 million dollars. Enough to keep Anna in Percoset and whisky perpetually.

Of course, Anna is trying to wear the classy suit and issued this statement on her website

An Open Letter From Anna - June 23rd, 2006

I am aware that my late husband's son E. Pierce Marshall has died. The media has been contacting my attorneys in an attempt to get my reaction. Out of respect for his family's request for privacy, neither my attorneys nor I will be making any comments.

--Anna Nicole


Bitch PLEASE. You know Anna and her 6-month old fetus are doing shots of tequila with Vicodin chasers right now, flashing her tits to the gardener in glee, and letting poor Kimmy suck on her toes while her lawyer Howard Stern videtapes the sideshow. Anna is one step closer to the money, and she knows it. I wouldn't be surprised if she showed up drunk to the funeral service, squatted, and took a piss on this guy's grave. She's crazy like that, our Anna. Loves her!!!! TRIMSPA, BABY!

Death Yet Again: "People Who Should Be Afraid To Die" Edition: Patsy Ramsey






FROM MSNBC

DENVER - Patsy Ramsey, the mother of slain 6-year-old beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey, died Saturday morning after a recurrence of ovarian cancer, her lawyer L. Lin Wood told MSNBC. She was 49.

Ramsey died around 3:30 a.m. at her father’s home in Atlanta. Her husband, John, was with her at the time of her death.

“Patsy just always looked forward and enjoyed every day,” Wood said.

JonBenet was found beaten and strangled in her parents’ Boulder, Colo., basement on Dec. 26, 1996. A grand jury investigation ended with no indictments, and no arrests have been made.

The Ramseys said an intruder killed their daughter but a cloud of suspicion hung over the couple. The district attorney and a federal judge in Colorado have said it is likelier that an intruder was responsible.

JonBenet’s death became fodder for tabloids and the subject of books.

Patsy Ramsey said she found a ransom note on the back staircase of the family’s home demanding $118,000 for the safe return of JonBenet.

John Ramsey said he found his daughter’s body in a basement room, wrapped in a white blanket eight hours later.

A white rope was wrapped around her neck and a wrist and tied to a stick. A red-ink heart was drawn on her left palm, and Ramsey told police he removed duct tape from the child’s mouth before carrying her body upstairs.

An autopsy concluded JonBenet suffered a skull fracture, and was strangled and beaten.

The Ramseys left Colorado and had residences in Atlanta and in Michigan, where John Ramsey unsuccessfully ran for a state House seat in 2004.

The couple wrote a book, “The Death of Innocence,” which was published in 2000.

They later left Colorado and had residences in Atlanta and in Michigan, where John Ramsey unsuccessfully ran for a state House seat in 2004. The Ramseys discussed their daughter’s death during the campaign.

“We can’t just hold our breath and hope the killer will be found and then go on with our lives,” Patsy Ramsey said in 2004. “We have to move ahead now. We can’t let evil win."



Oh, but evil didn't win! Good won! You're dead, and I bet that Beezlebub fully intends to have you spend eternity in a frilly $4500 pageant dress with peacock feathers and tummy cutouts, with false eyelashes, teased sprayed hair and hair extensions, teeth veneers, spray-on tan, and tap shoes. In hell, you will have to entertain Beezlebub and his pals with your rendition of Copacabana.

Who names their kid "JonBenet" anyway? You should be hell-bound just for that, and, of course, for those God-awful paegants you enrolled this poor kid in. I am sure little JonBenet might have some words for you in the hearafter too, "Mommie Dearest"

MORE DEATH: RIP AARON SPELLING

It's such a shame that a man who created the genius "Melrose Place" had to have such a fug for a daughter, but the man did great things in his life. Let's take a moment and remember the good times, eh? Aaron died at his home yesterday from complications of a stroke. He was 83.

And countdown to how long it take for Dean to hire that Brinks truck. First stop--those Faberge Eggs! He is so going to throw down with Candy. Loves it!!!!

But seriously, death sucks, and so does the thought of never having a Melrose Place reunion. Farewell, Aaron!

ANOTHER REASON WHY I AM SCREWED



My bleak lifespan courtesy of MSNBC

Key to long life may be mom's age at birth
Children born to women younger than 25 live longer, researchers report


NEW YORK - People are more likely to see their 100th birthday, research hints, if they were born to young mothers.

The age at which a mother gives birth has a major impact on how long her child will live, two researchers from the University of Chicago's Center on Aging told the Chicago Actuarial Association meeting this spring.

The chances of living to the ripe old age of 100 — and beyond — nearly double for a child born to a woman before her 25th birthday, Drs. Leonid Gavrilov and Natalia Gavrilova reported. The father's age is less important to longevity, according to their research.

In a previous study, the husband and wife research team of Gavrilov and Gavrilova identified birth order as a possible predictor of an exceptionally long life. They observed that first-born children, especially daughters, are much more likely to live to age 100.

But their latest research suggests that it is the young age of the mother, rather than birth order, which is significant to longevity.

Using U.S. Census data, the Social Security Administration database, and genealogical records, Gavrilov and Gavrilova identified 198 centenarians born in the U.S. from 1890 to 1893. They reconstructed the family histories of these individuals to try to identify possible predictors of longevity.

They found that while being born to a young mother was an important predictor of reaching 100, other factors seem to help someone live an exceptionally long life. These include growing up in the Western part of the U.S., spending part of one's childhood on a farm, and being born first.

"Centenarians represent the fastest growing age group in industrialized countries, yet factors predicting exceptional longevity and its time trends remain to be fully understood," Gavrilov and Gavrilova note.

The finding that children born to young women are more likely to live to 100 "may have important social implications," Gavrilov added in a statement, "because many women postpone their childbearing to later ages because of career demands."

"This research helps us better understand the predictors of longevity and quantify the implications on society and business," said Thomas Edwalds, a fellow of the Society of Actuaries, which co-sponsored the study.

The researchers emphasize that why children born to younger mothers have an advantage when it comes to longevity requires further study.

So, let's see, my mother had me when she was 40. She smoked and most likely drank throughout the entire pregnancy, like most women did back in the day. Then I was born into a world of second-hand smoke, and progressed on to Miller Lite and Ephedra diet pills once I hit adulthood. Both my mother and maternal grandmother passed from dementia-related illnesses. I continue to worship beer and cheese fries.

If I'm lucky enough to escape a heart attack, I have diapers and Enfamil through a tube into my stomach to look forward to! Who's coming to visit me at the home and watch me chew on a sock! You know you want to. Bastards.

WHEN WIGS GO BAD: TONI BRAXTON







Here she is, opening her tour that no one cares about. Sad, isn't it? Who is she trying to channel, Donna Mills? Note the similarities. Where are they shopping for these feral-looking pieces? Payless? Maybe they should have bought Andy Warhol's wig for $10,000. They can afford that. Yeesh.A world of NO

Family Guy in A-HA

It's like combining chocolate and peanut butter--a virtual Reese's Peanut Butter Cup of fun. I love both "Family Guy" and, yes, A-ha (they were hot back in the day!). This is hysterical.

THE HOBBIT HOUSE THAT HULK BUILT



Hulk Hogan is selling The Biggest Hobbit House ever in Belleair Florida, to the tune of $25 mil, so that he can move his bleached and fried family to Miami in order for Nick and Brooke to pursue (God help us all) their singing and acting careers.

Does Brooke REALLY need to act or sing for cash? Doesn't she bring enough in by being a teenage tranny? Bitch is 17 and looks 35.

From MSNBC:

BELLEAIR, Fla. -- Hulk Hogan has moved his family to Miami Beach and put his mansion near Tampa on the market for a whopping $25 million.The pro wrestler-actor, aka Terry Bollea, and his wife, Linda, moved last month to a new $12 million bayfront estate on Miami Beach so their children, Brooke, 18, and Nick, 15, could pursue singing and acting careers.Now the 17,000-square-foot French-style Belleair mansion, familiar to fans of the family's VH1 reality TV series, "Hogan Knows Best," is on the market.The home has seven fireplaces, 2.3-acre grounds overlooking the Intercoastal Waterway and Gulf of Mexico, a guesthouse, swimming pool, waterfall and four-car garage."You can get lost in it," said Marcia Ellis of Coldwell Banker, who sold the Belleair property to the family 14 years ago and has listed it again.Hogan still owns a more modest place on Clearwater Beach and a home in Los Angeles that is on the market for $5.9 million."I've got to downscale," he told The Miami Herald recently. "We'll head toward Miami like the Beverly Hillbillies."

DID I MISS SOMETHING?

When did dressing like a total whore come into fashion again? Or did I miss the "Daisy Dukes and Stilettos" craze of 06? What is the allure of this ensemble? Christina, I can forgive. She's young and still immature enough to think this look is fetching and, hey, it is better than her "assless chap" phase. But Posh is a mother of three in her mid-30s, with skazillions of dollars and a hot-ass husband who is likely embarassed for her when he isn't tweezing his eyebrows. She should know enough not to dress like a Thai hooker.

And think of the camel toe--that's a yeast infection waiting to happen. And the bunions. Camel toe, yeast infections, and bunions. That's hot!

Morons.

"SOMETIMES, LOUIS, BLONDE IS BETTER."



I love skewing quotes from Pet Sematary to do my bidding. Anyhow, here is a new pic of Britney with her darker do, blue muumuu, and Sean Preston in tow. I am not digging the hair. It is so black, it's almost blue (like the dress). And I think she's loading poor Sean P. up with too many carbs. I know he's a baby, but he must be in the highest percentile for weight for his age. Cheetos do NOT equal love, Brit! And put some pants on the kid already. A trainwreck all around. Yes, I feel bad for La Brit. But that won't stop me from picking on her. It's like shooting fish in a barrel.

LOVE FREELY, USE BOTOX, GET A KILLER PRE-NUP: THE WEDDING OF NICOLE AND KEITH



I love that this chick isn't taking any chances. I guess after losing out on the motherload of Xenu, I mean, Tom Cruise's money because of being married 9.99999 years instead of 10, Kidman is loathe to part with any of her cash--who can blame her. Keith will have to use his own money for plastic surgery. I mean, there's a sea of tweaking going on between the two of them. How can they tell when the other is angry? Nothing moves. Loves it!

From The New York Post

June 23, 2006 -- ON the eve of their star-studded wedding tomorrow in Sydney, Australia - the date and place first reported by Page Six last April - Nicole Kidman says she's finally found true love with Keith Urban. But the flame-haired Oscar winner has already made sure her bank account won't take a beating if the marriage fizzles.
Kidman, who's worth about $150 million, has had her hubby-to-be ink a lowball prenup that guarantees him a kiss-off of just over $600,000 a year for every year they are together, according to press reports in Australia and England. In addition, there's a clause that allows her to bail without giving Urban, an ex-cocaine addict, a cent if he uses illegal narcotics or boozes excessively.

The agreement, signed in Los Angeles earlier this month, also calls for joint custody of any kids the couple has together, although Urban would be prohibited from taking them out of whatever country Kidman is living in, the London Daily Mail said.

Kidman, 39, will wear a long white gown with Victorian-style high collar during the traditional Roman Catholic ceremony at an old Gothic chapel overlooking the sea in the Sydney suburb of Manly - a far cry from her Scientology-based nuptials with Tom Cruise in 1990, a union that ended in annulment five years ago.

The 200 guests who'll party under a huge white tent after the wedding include her adopted kids with Cruise, Isabella, 13, and Connor, 11; Meryl Streep, Julianne Moore, Russell Crowe, Naomi Watts, Hugh Jackman and Lachlan and Sarah Murdoch. Flying in separately are Renée Zellweger and Kenny Chesney, whose marriage only lasted seven months but whom we hear are quietly seeing each other again.

Aware of the high-flying lifestyles of both Kidman and Urban, the Rev. Paul Coleman, who'll officiate, is offering them advice on the key to a healthy marriage. "You've got to use little strategies, strategies like surprises, keeping some form of romance in the relationship, even after 20 years," he told reporters, noting both the bride and groom's parents have been together 40 years or more.

Music for the reception will be handled by Urban, who's keeping it a surprise from his bride, although he's expected to croon a few love songs to her, including his gooey hit, "Making Memories of Us."

Meanwhile, Nicole had her bachelorette party at her sister Antonia's home, and it was tamer than tame. Instead of male strippers and boozing, the girls each brought a favorite recipe to discuss.

I WANT TO GO TO THE PROM AGAIN!!!!

This looks like so much fun. Big hair, bad pastel dresses, fingerless lace gloves, excessive amounts of alcohol. Who's in with me?????? Check out the site, and let's pick a date!

"WHOOOOAAAAAA, we're halfway THEREEEEE, WHOAAAAA, LIVING ON A PRAYYYYERRRR!!!!!"

TIMBERLAKE FINALLY REALIZES HE IS NAILING "THE JOKER"



Another day, another celebrity bust-up. These two annoy me anyway, but Cammy was stupid to think that her still-awaiting-pubic-hair boyfriend was going to actually MARRY her, for God's sake. Again, she looks like the joker. With pock marks and brow lines. Not pretty.


From Janet Charlton's Hollywood

What with all the fake stories about rings and engagements, this major celebrity bustup has gone under the radar. But this time it's really happened. Both parties (Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz) want to keep it quiet - they don't want to make a big deal out of such a sensitive issue. What happened is that Justin is poised to leave on a world tour and he wants to be free. Last week he informed Cameron that it's over, just as she was about to leave town to film some movie pickups, and according to insiders "she is devastated." "They were a great, well matched couple in many ways but Cameron (at 33) is ready to settle down and wants a commitment, even though she might not admit it. Justin is only 24 and he's been with Cameron for three years. He hasn't had a chance to sow his wild oats yet." "A few weeks back, Justin and his buddies took off for a few days in Las Vegas and Cameron went chasing after him. She was just too clingy." Cameron is one of the richest and prettiest actresses in Hollywood and all she dreams about is a home and family. But she's had bad luck with boyfriends who won't commit - first Matt Dillon, then Jared Leto, and now Justin. Justin and Cameron figured the fact that they're currently separated geographically would keep their bustup a secret for awhile.

ANOTHER SIGN OF THE IMPENDING APOCALYPSE




Forget global warming, terrorism, frogs, and locusts: The Hoff enjoying newfound career success makes me fear that Beezlebub is preparing to take over the world in spectacular fashion. Has anyone taken a good look at his hair? What is up with that? So "Hair Club for Men"--He's not just the President, he's also a client--BWAAAHHH!!!

Courtesy of Access Hollywood

David Hasselhoff Rides Wave Of Success Again
Regis Philbin may be the enigmatic host of "America's Got Talent." But David Hasselhoff is the judge.
The former Baywatch star's career was on life support, and he realized the new variety show could put him back on the map.
"Two years ago I was walking around my back lawn going, ‘Anyone wanna play tennis?'" David laughed. "And now, it's just kind of turned around."David is hoping for a 180!
Bouncing back from divorce and alcohol rehab to judging on "America's Got Talent" and co-starring with Adam Sandler in the comedy "Click," can be pretty heady stuff.
"This is going to open up a lot of doors, I hope, because it gives me an opportunity to show that I can do this, and it's just a bigger screen," David explained.
While on the small screen, it was David's old friend, Simon Cowell, who tappedthe strapping star to work his mojo on the "Talent" set.
But the last thing people might remember about "the Hoff" was when 43 million viewers watched him get choked up during the "American Idol" finale.
"In the finale, you had tears in your eyes, why was that?" Access' Tim Vincent asked.
"I see Taylor Hicks win, he bends over, he gets a little emotional," David said. "His parents are in front of me, they're crying. I turned to my best friend sitting next to me, who has brain cancer, who had two months to live, and it was his birthday, and my present was to bring him to ‘American Idol,' and he lived.
And he turned to me and said, ‘Isn't it great to be alive?'" David explained. "And I just lost it. I said, ‘Wow!' And then, bam, camera is on me!"
And bam! Now the Hoff is everywhere.
In ‘Click,' David plays Sandler's demanding boss, a part he got because he knew Sandler 10 years ago from "Saturday Night Live."
It was during filming that the two became really close.
"My mother was actually on a respirator and dying," David told Tim. "They wanted to pull the plug. I said to Adam, ‘She's barely hanging on.' He said, ‘Get outta here. We'll shoot your scene tomorrow.'
About six months later I went, ‘Hey man, she lives.' And mom's home, and I took her to the premiere!"

DEAN MCDERMOTT HIRES THE BRINKS TRUCK FOR HIS TRIP TO SPELLING MANOR



Looks like fug-ass Tori Spelling's husband Dean McDermott's Christmas Wish came true a little early this year. Ancient Aaron Spelling has suffered a stroke which, at 83, puts another nail in the legendary TV producer's coffin. Tori said she has not seen her father in 8 months because of a rift with her mother, who was upset over her ending her marriage to that Charlie guy (I'd be a little pissed too, to lay out $4 million dollars for a wedding to have my bitch of a daughter dump the guy 9 months later for some squinty-eyed nobody, but that is neither here nor there.) Anyhow, Tori's mother left the house to go and buy some more bows for the Present Wrapping Room in their house, and Tori and Dad got to make peace. Aaron even purportedly met Dean, who had to be restrained from smothering the old guy with a pillow (okay I made that up). Read on (courtesy of the Associated Press):

LOS ANGELES Jun 21, 2006 (AP)— Aaron Spelling, producer of TV's "Beverly Hills, 90210" and "Charlie's Angels," suffered a stroke at his Holmby Hills estate over the weekend and was being treated at home, his publicist said Wednesday.
"He had a stroke Sunday at home," said spokesman Kevin Sasaki. "I don't know the extent of it. But if it had been some incredible degree, he would have been taken to the hospital."
Spelling, 83, was conscious and resting comfortably, Sasaki said. Spelling's wife, Candy, has been at his side.
Sasaki said he wasn't aware of any paralysis.
Spelling also produced "Dynasty," Love Boat," "Melrose Place," "Fantasy Island," "Burke's Law," "The Mod Squad," "Starsky & Hutch," "T.J. Hooker," "Hart to Hart" and "Hotel."
He has also produced more than 140 TV movies, including 1974's "Death Sentence," starring Nick Nolte, and 1976's "The Boy in the Plastic Bubble," starring John Travolta.

Winter Steele and The Dirty Hippies

Here's the third installment of Winter Steele, where she smacks into (literally) a group of hippie dorks in her search for crow. Hilarity ensues.

And don't touch her bike.

PEOPLE WHO ANNOY THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF ME, EDITION 4: KEANU REEVES



I've used tampons that are smarter than this guy. And don't even get me started about his acting skills. Yeah, yeah, yeah, his baby died and his girlfriend then went nuts on coke and committed suicide. Cry me a river. That still doesn't make up for the worst English accent EVER in "Bram Stoker's Dracula"--did anyone else cringe when he said he was going to Budapest (pronounced "Beeuuudapist") or was that just me?

And I never liked any of the Matrix movies--so there. Go see "The Lake House"--I triple-dog dare you!

PEOPLE WHO SHOULD THANK THEIR LUCKY STARS FOR AIRBRUSHING: BRITNEY SPEARS






OH, the wonders of Photoshop. Britney Spears looks about as much like these pictures of her that were just published in OK! Magazine as I do. In fact, now that Brit has dyed her hair black, I can certifiably say that I look more like "Britney Spears" than Britney Spears, even though I lack the requisite bad "Gor-Jess" hair extensions, chipped purple fingernails, and, oh, a fetus inside me with a loser for a father.

Dumb bitch will never learn. I bet the black hair is part of her campaign to "get the paparazzi to leave me alone!!!!" Lugging around that brain-addled baby doesn't give her away or anything.

Angelina Jolie on CNN's Anderson Cooper 360

Oh Angie, you Nambibian Colonialist!

The video is bad, but if you missed the interview, here it is in all it's glory.

REGAN HAS A MYSPACE--WHO KNEW?






Actually, she's got about 10 of them (look in the "friends" section for more Regans)--I guess there is a myspace for every demon in her, eh?

Wait, there is only ONE demon. Oh yes.......

If you'd like to speak to the person inside Regan, go bucknuts!

BIKER CHICK FROM HELL: WINTER STEELE!

This is the second installment of Winter Steele's search for her bad boy rocker, Crow. Nobody loves harder or badder than this woman. You gotta love her!!!!

PEOPLE WHO ANNOY THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF ME, EDITION 3: JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT

Audrey Hepburn is dead and so is your career. Please go away.

Things That Make Me Happy

Boy I love seeing Catherine Zeta Jones looking just as old as her ancient husband Michael Douglas, despite a 25-year age difference between the two of them (p.s., Michael is older). It gives me secret satisfaction, and inside I chirp with glee to see her doughy face and labial folds deeping with every forced smile.

Note to Julia:




This dress was ugly as shit the first time you wore it all those years ago, with hairy armpits as accessories. The world noticed and was horrified. This is the sort of dress you throw out, not wear again (with a older, wider body, no less), to remind people of your stinky pits. Ditch this, please. And the bangs too, while you are at it. Your face, and the rest of us, will thank you.

CHANNEL YOUR INNER DURANNIE!

You like the 80s? I love the 80s. I wish it WAS the 80s, as I would still be young and pretty, with my whole life ahead of me, instead of the bitter crone I have become. But whatever. Anyhow, a perfect way to reintroduce you to your big-hair lovin' 80s self is this website I Heart 80's Music Videos. It's ridiculous amounts of fun, and a walk down memory lane for a wizened old Durannie like myself. Enjoy!

OH THE DRAMA! Tori vs. Mary Jo

Both Tori and her husband are total JACKASSES. So is the ex-wife of Dean. They are like a Trifecta of Jackasses. The audio in this video do not sync up with the video itself, but you get the jist.

WHY DOGS KICK SERIOUS ASS


From the Associated Press, via MSNBC

ORLANDO, Fla. - A 17-pound beagle named Belle is more than man’s best friend. She’s a lifesaver.

Belle was in Washington, D.C., on Monday to receive an award for biting onto owner Kevin Weaver’s cell phone to call 911 after the diabetic man had a seizure and collapsed.
“There is no doubt in my mind that I’d be dead if I didn’t have Belle,” said Weaver, 34, whose blood sugar had dropped dangerously low. Belle had been trained to summon help in just those circumstances. She had been taught to bite down on the number 9 on his cell phone contacting 911.

Belle was the first canine recipient to win the VITA Wireless Samaritan Award, given to someone who used a cell phone to save a life, prevent a crime or help in an emergency.
Using their keen sense of smell, animals like Belle can detect abnormalities in a person’s blood-sugar levels. The dog periodically licks Weaver’s nose to take her own reading of his blood-sugar level. If something seems off to her, she will paw and whine at him.
“Every time she paws at me like that I grab my meter and test myself,” Weaver said. “She’s never been wrong.”

This story made me feel warm and tingly and good all over, a rarity nowadays. I doubt my Cooper would have the wherewithal to (a) diagnose low blood sugar and (b) call 911 if I were crapping out. He would be too busy rummaging through the garbage for old corn cobs, gleeful that I could not reprimand him. But he makes me smile when I am sad, and that is enough.

Dogs are the best.

Britney's Miami Beach Diary

"Hey' Y'all. I'm just gonna bring my baby to Miami Beach, and let him sit out in the sun because, you know, it ain't HOT in late June in Miami. Hell, (finger quotes) we're country (end finger quotes) and lil' Sean can handle it. Don't he look like a proper lil' peach? Who needs an umbrella or a baby hat, heck even a baby bathing suit. Sean ain't down with that! He's ghetto AND country, and likes to ride the waves in his diapie. Boy, that sun can sure beat down!"


And the next day....




"Well, here we are in the golf cart. Lil' Sean's arms and cheeks sure are burned pretty red, but a lil color will do him some good. Sure he screamed in pain the entire night, but he needs to suck it up cause (finger quotes)yes, we're country (close finger quotes) and besides I am going to have another baby to endanger enough and Sean has to fend for himself, y'all! Where's my clumpy mascara?"

I saw these pictures and wanted to book a flight to Miami myself to choke this imbecilic trainwreck with my bare hands, but I've got crap to do here instead. Can you believe this woman? I cannot fathom the depths of her stupidity.

The only sizzling that I would like to hear is not the sound of delicate baby skin frying under the relentless Miami sun, but rather the dulcet hiss of a laser cauterizing Ms. Spear's fallopian tubes so that she may never breed again.

And speaking of Cycle Sluts From Hell....

There really is a "Cycle Sluts From Hell"--they were a female thrash band back in the 80s. This is their seminal song, "I Wish You Were A Beer."

I have sung this to every one of my ex-boyfriends (behind their backs), and now that I am married, I mutter it under my breath on a daily basis. Hee hee!

The Hottest Bitch Ever

Winter Steele is awesome. If you don't remember her from "Liquid Television," you need to get acquainted. Genius. Everybody loves a "Cycle Slut From Hell."

Rock on, Winter!!!!

People Who Should Thank Their Lucky Stars For Airbrushing: Nicole Kidman

Honey, sweetie, baby--enough with the brow lifts and Botox. Heck, I want them too, but your hair line is back past your ears and you're beginning to frighten small children. I am going to be kind and blame all of this on Xenu's revenge for fleeing the fold of Scientology and creepy Tom Cruise, but come on, enough already.

Nicole is rumored to be marrying Keith Urban, who has had just as much plastic surgery as she has, any moment now. Baby rumors have yet to be substantiated, but Ms. K. has been sporting a bump as of late. Which is sort of creepy too. Woooooo......

Heidi knocked up again....

From Us Weekly...

Heidi Klum and Seal Expecting

Supermodel Heidi Klum and her husband, singer Seal, 43, are expecting their third child, a source close to the couple confirms to Us Weekly. The couple also have a son, Henry, 9 months, and a daughter, Leni, 2, from Klum’s previous relationship with race car driver Flavio Briatore.“You’d never have known if you saw her at the Council of Fashion Designers of America Awards [on June 5],” says the source. “She’s just starting to show.” Klum, 33 — along with her family — are currently in NYC finishing up the latest installment of Project Runway, which debuts July 12 on Bravo.“She’s in a really good place,” says the source. “She loves her family. She loves being a mom.” A rep for Klum had no comment.

Although I think Heidi is a nice mom, and Seal has some fine tunes, perhaps they might want to quit it with the babymaking. Their first biological child together, Henry, is sort of, unfortunate looking. Oh yell all you want, but I speak the truth!

People Who Annoy The Living Crap Out of Me, Edition 2: Jessica Simpson

I pray for her to get the Ebola virus and bleed out of her eyes and orifices.

That Tori can sure hold a grudge.

From The New York Post:

TORI: HUBBY’S EX ‘PATHETIC’

GASOLINE and a lighted match mix as well as Tori Spelling and the ex-wife of her new hubby, Dean McDermott. Mary Jo Eustace was dumped last year by the actor after he fell for Spelling on a movie set. Now she’s shopping a tell-all. Sunday night, Eustace was ordered to leave the MuchMusic awards in Toronto after the billionaire heiress-actress threw a fit. “Tori, who was presenting, told the organizers either Mary Jo must go or she would,” said gossip columnist Shinan Govani, who escorted Eustace. “So we were secretly taken to an adjoining building to see it on TV, along with our own waiter and wine and shrimp.” As they watched, Spelling joked to the audience how great it is being married to a Canadian: “They’re a lot nicer

and they have nasty ex-wives who write tellall books. What more could a girl ask for?” Snapped Eustace to Govani: “Welcome to my life. I’m up against a dynasty.” A disgusted Spelling told Page Six: “She plays the victim card over and over . . . It’s pathetic bordering on lunacy. I hope for the sake of her children she gains some self respect.” Tori also denied she ordered Mary Jo out.

This is nice, eh? Not only did this horse-faced woman ditch her husband of under a year (after making ancient dad Aaron Spelling pay millions for the wedding) for this squinty-eyed yutz, she also wiggled her way into his pants knowing full well he had a wife and a baby, but blew the BeJesus out of him anyway. Then, she gets the ex thrown out of an awards show, and goes on to bash the ex-wife in front of a live audience. That's class. Real class. Did she learn that from Shannen Doherty?

As for this idiot she married, Dean Whats-his-name, you can see why he ditched the old model and went for Tori, and it isn't for her sumptuous lips, crooked nose, prominent ape-like forehead, or hardened lumps of scar tissue she calls breasts. Oh no. It is because once Aaron craps out (which should be any day now), Dean can back the Brinks truck right up to Spelling manor and take whatever his squinty eyes sees. I mean, I might nail Tori for a chance at that kind of money. With my eyes closed, of course.

There is not a question in my mind that these two will have the ugliest children going. Like, this is one of those cases where having a cleft palate might make the kid look BETTER.

Why I Will Not Breed

This is the stuff I would do to my kids, and laugh hysterically at them while they pee themselves and cry, and then grow up to be serial murderers. Well, probably not. But you never know!