VIVA VERSUS THE BAYOU, PART I

Viva hates Shreveport, Louisiana.

Well, not really. I mean, it could be a nice place. A nice hot, sticky, fire-ant filled place located just a hop, skip, and a jump from Texas and Arkansas. I bet it is diverse. I bet it is filled with culture. I bet they hold Pride Fests every weekend.

Why am I giving Shreveport the business? Well, Old Viva here is married to a workhorse and that, in and of itself, is a good thing. Mr. Workhorse has just gotten himself some recognition for another job well done, and now his bosses want to send him off to Shreveport, LoWeeeeziana for a week to "save" one of their operations down yonder. All this sounds well and good, but Mr. Workhorse's company has a penchant for transferring people willy-nilly.

My apologies to all the good people of Shreveport for the following rant, but there is NO WAY IN GOD'S GREEN EARTH that Viva is moving her tired ass to Lousiana. For one, I don't like heat, humidity, big weird bugs, hurricanes, or Kenny Chesney. Although I do like crawfish and voodoo IS sort of funky. But I digress. I do not want to be neighbors with Britney Spears. I will be the oldest childless woman in the entire state. I think they can lynch women for not wanting to breed, can't they? Regardless, Viva does not want to find out. Where would she get Botox? Where is the closest Pottery Barn? In flipping TEXAS, that's where.

Dear Lord Baby Jesus, please keep my child-free, cosmetic-loving, fag-haggin self out of Shreveport, Lousiana.

HE MAY LOOK LIKE JESUS, BUT
HE SMELLS LIKE HELL

According to PopBitch, the Butterscotch Stallion (that's Owen Wilson to those of you who don't know better) may not be the only reason why Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson's marriage failed. Read on:

Three times a lady: Kate & Chris's Hollywood Heartbreak

Speculation surrounding the end of Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson's marriage seems to be focusing on her close friendship with Owen Wilson. But there were longer-term issues. Like many rocks singers, Chris is fond of group sex and threesomes while on tour, and Black Crowes insiders had often seen Chris and Kate heading to their hotel with a keen groupie or fan in
tow. But by the end of the last tour Kate was said to be tagging along like a turkey on its way to Christmas lunch.

Come on people. I can't imagine one woman wanting to fuck Chris Robinson, much less two. Does personal hygiene mean nothing anymore? I mean LOOK AT THAT MAN. You know he is a bony, smelly mess naked and how often does he wash his hair? Or his beard? Or the smelly fishpit that must be his crotch? If Kate had to share all this with another woman, then they are both assholes.

Personally, I hope she is nailing Owen. For all his snarkiness, bumpy nosed, nasally voiced affections, he is STILL a huge step up from Robinson. For one, he bathes. And he has much better clothes. Upgrade!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY VADGE!!!!!!

Our favorite bitch is 48 today. Here's some vintage Madonna to celebrate this momentous occasion! VIVA LA MADONNA!!!!

THANK YOU LORD BABY JESUS FOR PATSY



This IS just WONDERFUL!!!!!!

God I love this woman. She bloody rocks. She is an inspiration for all women. Kneel down and kiss those stilettoes in subjugation, bitches.