REMIND ME TO BE AN ASIAN WOMAN IN MY NEXT LIFE





I've never really had any great desire to be Asian, save for the fact that I would likely be a lot thinner, smarter, and would hopefully have some sort of ability to tan. But being an Asian woman has its downside too--plenty of these poor dears have to put up with the boatloads of paunchy balding White men who have that "Little China Girl" fantasy thing going on. That has to be a major buzzkill, and would make me very cranky. I actually had a friend, back in the day, who would only exclusively date Asian women because they were "nicer" to him. As it turns out, every one of these delicate lotus flowers ended up dumping his sorry ass. He never got the hint: White, Black, Asian, it doesn't matter--a woman is eventually going to dump you if you live with your mother and don't have a job.

As for Bergen County, NJ, I've lived there and, although it is lovely, I have no idea how living in this area could INCREASE your life expectancy. If the soaring home prices (think $500K for hovels) and taxes don't kill you, the traffic will. And don't even get me started about the Guidos. There are too many damn people in Bergen County, but maybe overcrowding increases the immune system because a report released yesterday says that Asian women who live in Bergen County, NJ have the highest life expectancy. Who knew? Let's hit the Garden State Plaza, grab some sushi, and go out to Joey's in Clifton afterwards!

From Yahoo News

Where you live linked to life expectancy

By LAURAN NEERGAARD, AP Medical Writer
Mon Sep 11, 6:18 PM ET
WASHINGTON - Where you live, combined with race and income, plays a huge role in the nation's health disparities, differences so stark that a report issued Monday contends it's as if there are eight separate Americas instead of one.

Asian-American women living in Bergen County, N.J., lead the nation in longevity, typically reaching their 91st birthdays. Worst off are American Indian men in swaths of South Dakota, who die around age 58 — three decades sooner.Millions of the worst-off Americans have life expectancies typical of developing countries, concluded Dr. Christopher Murray of the Harvard School of Public Health.Asian-American women can expect to live 13 years longer than low-income black women in the rural South, for example. That's like comparing women in wealthy Japan to those in poverty-ridden Nicaragua.Compare those longest-living women to inner-city black men, and the life-expectancy gap is 21 years. That's similar to the life-expectancy gap between Iceland and Uzbekistan.Health disparities are widely considered an issue of minorities and the poor being unable to find or afford good medical care. Murray's county-by-county comparison of life expectancy shows the problem is far more complex, and that geography plays a crucial role."Although we share in the U.S. a reasonably common culture ... there's still a lot of variation in how people live their lives," explained Murray, who reported initial results of his government-funded study in the online science journal PLoS Medicine.Consider: The longest-living whites weren't the relatively wealthy, which Murray calls "Middle America." They're edged out by low-income residents of the rural Northern Plains states, where the men tend to reach age 76 and the women 82.Yet low-income whites in Appalachia and the Mississippi Valley die four years sooner than their Northern neighbors.He cites American Indians as another example. Those who don't live on or near reservations in the West have life expectancies similar to whites'."If it's your family involved, these are not small differences in lifespan," Murray said. "Yet that sense of alarm isn't there in the public.""If I were living in parts of the country with those sorts of life expectancies, I would want ... to be asking my local officials or state officials or my congressman, 'Why is this?'"This more precise measure of health disparities will allow federal officials to better target efforts to battle inequalities, said Dr. Wayne Giles of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, which helped fund Murray's work.The CDC has some county-targeted programs — like one that has cut in half diabetes-caused amputations among black men in Charleston, S.C., since 1999, largely by encouraging physical activity — and the new study argues for more, he said."It's not just telling people to be active or not to smoke," Giles said. "We need to create the environment which assists people in achieving a healthy lifestyle."The study also highlights that the complicated tapestry of local and cultural customs may be more important than income in driving health disparities, said Richard Suzman of the National Institute on Aging, which co-funded the research."It's not just low income," Suzman said. "It's what people eat, it's how they behave, or simply what's available in supermarkets."Murray analyzed mortality data between 1982 and 2001 by county, race, gender and income. He found some distinct groupings that he named the "eight Americas:"

_Asian-Americans, average per capita income of $21,566, have a life expectancy of 84.9 years. _Northland low-income rural whites, $17,758, 79 years. _Middle America (mostly white), $24,640, 77.9 years. _Low income whites in Appalachia, Mississippi Valley, $16,390, 75 years. _Western American Indians, $10,029, 72.7 years. _Black Middle America, $15,412, 72.9 years. _Southern low-income rural blacks, $10,463, 71.2 years. _High-risk urban blacks, $14,800, 71.1 years.

Longevity disparities were most pronounced in young and middle-aged adults. A 15-year-old urban black man was 3.8 times as likely to die before the age of 60 as an Asian-American, for example. That's key, Murray said, because this age group is left out of many government health programs that focus largely on children and the elderly. Moreover, the longevity gaps have stayed about the same for 20 years despite increasing national efforts to eliminate obvious racial and ethnic health disparities, he found. Murray was surprised to find that lack of health insurance explained only a small portion of those gaps. Instead, differences in alcohol and tobacco use, blood pressure, cholesterol and obesity seemed to drive death rates. Most important, he said, will be pinpointing geographically defined factors — such as shared ancestry, dietary customs, local industry, what regions are more or less prone to physical activity — that in turn influence those health risks. For example, scientists have long thought that the Asian longevity advantage would disappear once immigrant families adopted higher-fat Western diets. Murray's study is the first to closely examine second-generation Asian-Americans, and found their advantage persists.

THE NUTS LEADING THE NUTS

is being saved by

Sometimes a story makes life so easy for me. I really don't even have to come up with anything snarky to say. Read on about How Stephen Baldwin wants to have a big "Come to Jesus" with Tom Cruise. You can't make this shit up.

From MSNBC

Praying for Tom Cruise
Stephen Baldwin says he is praying for Tom Cruise’s soul.

“On the Hollywood list of people I pray for often, Tom Cruise is probably No. 1,” the youngest of the Baldwin brothers told Radar Online. “I’d love to break bread with him and pray with him, and I’d love for the Holy Spirit of God to reveal the truth to him.”

Baldwin also says that Cruise is a “very different guy” from the person he was when they worked together on “Born on the Fourth of July.”

“That regular Joe quality seems to have been lost,” Says Baldwin. “When you buy enough of your own hype, then it’s not who you are anymore.”

The born-again Baldwin has written a book about spirituality, “The Unusual Suspect: My Calling to the New Hardcore Movement of Faith,” but when asked by Radar Online to name the Ten Commandments after much fumbling came up with only six. He was totally stumped when asked to name the seven deadly sins.

THE HOLY FAMILY EMERGES



Here's the first picture of the Jolie-Pitt clan en masse. I think it is pretty funny how these two had no problem trotting out poor Maddox and Zahara like show ponies when they were infants, but when it came to their BIOLOGICAL child, well, Shiloh was too good for such wanton displays. Nice to see that Brad and Angie are finally treating their three children like equals on this nice day out together.

Oh who are we kidding, you know Brad and Angelina totally love Shiloh way more than those other two. Once that kid arrived, Maddox and Zahara were probably relegated to sleeping on straw mats in the basement. Angelina will say that this is to "keep them in touch with their culture." Suuuuuuuure.

MORE BUMMER NEWS...





Looks like Anna Nicole Smith's son Daniel's death was not a natural one, which totally sucks. Doctors are mum, but are hinting towards an "overdose of antidepressants" which caused this kid's demise. Can you blame poor Danny? How many years of Nicole and Howard and Kimmy and Sugar Pie and that horrible Bobby Trendy could any human being take? I'd be depressed too, dammit!

Toxicology reports will be released on Friday. Daniel has be described as a straight "A" student, quiet, shy, and nice. This really is a shame.


From The New York Post

BOY BLUNDER: DOCS EYE RX OD IN ANNA SON'S DEATH
By DAVID K. LI

September 13, 2006 -- The only son of model Anna Nicole Smith did not die "a natural death" in the Bahamas, but wasn't a victim of foul play, a top Bahamian official said yesterday.
Pathologists are still running tests on the body of Daniel Smith, 20, who died Sunday in the maternity wards of a Nassau hospital where he was visiting his mom, officials said. Anna Nicole Smith had given birth to a baby girl three days earlier.
The Nassau Guardian newspaper reported that investigators found antidepressants in Smith's body, and were zeroing in on an overdose as a possible cause of death.
Magistrate and Coroner Linda Virgill declined to confirm that report, but told The Post, "His death was not a natural death. It means you can rule out external forces [foul play], but he just didn't go to sleep and not wake up."
Virgill said she knows what likely killed Smith, but wants to confirm it with tissue exams before making a public announcement.
"We do know the cause of the death, but we will not release it, pending some more toxicology results," Virgill said.
Pathologists expected to keep Daniel Smith's body until at least Thursday. Anna Nicole plans to send her son's remains to California for a funeral, according to a mortuary in the Bahamas.
The outspoken model traveled to Doctors Hospital in the Bahamas to give birth, so she could dodge paparazzi, her representatives said.
The TrimSpa-hawking, formerly supersized sexpot gained fame as Playboy's 1993 Playmate of the Year. She married an 89-year-old, wheelchair-bound oil tycoon 14 months before his death, touching off a years-long probate battle that went all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court.
Her 6-pound, 9-ounce girl was born on Thursday, and Daniel Smith arrived in the Bahamas on Saturday to greet his new baby sister. The name of the father, a photographer, hasn't been made public.
During his visit on Sunday, Daniel Smith began to vomit and cough up blood before passing out, according to the Guardian. Doctors performed CPR for 22 minutes but could not revive him.
"It is very important that we wait for the pathologist's report. We believe that will answer all the questions," said Reginald Ferguson, assistant commissioner of the Royal Bahamian Police Force.
A spokeswoman for Anna Nicole and her diet product, TrimSpa, said the company has yanked all TV ads this week that were going to celebrate the model's second trip to motherhood.
"What we've had to do is replace the creative," said the spokeswoman, Robin Bonnema. "At this point, we were contractually obligated [to run ads]. The air time was purchased well in advance."

POLL TIME!!!

Which baby is most likely to grow up and blow away half of their graduating high school class with an AK-47?
	Suri Cruise (or whoever Tom has hired to play her as a teenager)
	Sean Preston Federline (if he's not in jail)
	Screwed New Baby Federline (if he survives his first year)
	Totally Screwed New Baby Smith (if Anna Nicole doesn't try and snort her)
	Kingston Rossdale (like this kid isn't going to be a total queen)
	Scary Baby Henry (if they let him out of the bell tower)

THINGS THAT SHOULDN'T MAKE ME HAPPY, BUT DO ANYWAY

Kate Hudson is young, really pretty, a movie star and a gazillionaire (even though she will have to give Jesus half of her money, most likely), and for all these reasons, I get a visceral thrill out of seeing Kate carrying around some extra luggage in the midsection. That's not very nice of me, now is it? I mean, picking on a woman who obviously is just showing her Badge of Motherhood. If she were any normal woman, I would defend her right to pooch out with her bad self. This extra luggage is really not Kate's fault--the poor thing turned into Two Ton Tilly while pregnant with Ryder Russell and gained 60 pounds, then had to drop the weight in about 4.4 seconds to be ready to film The Skeleton Key a few months after giving birth. As young and as lithe as she was, no body can take that kind of abuse, which has resulted in the above poochfest.

I mean, the woman has a six-pack otherwise--or a 5-pack with a pooch on the end, depending on how you want to spin it. But she wears her Badge of Motherhood well, and I still would take her body, even with corn niblets for boobs and the above-mentioned pooch over my fat ass any day.

Still, I am sort of happy to see that this 20something isn't perfect. Oh, the glow I get from basking in pretty people's imperfections. YAY!

JUST WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS....

Another Federline. Reports are (albeit from the National Enquirer, so take it with a grain of salt) in that Britney has popped out a baby boy, a younger brother to Sean Preston Federline. And Kory Federline. And Kaleb Federline. The Maury Povich Show has taught us that stupid people love to breed indiscriminantly, and the Federlines are the Poster Children for Family Planning.

From The National Enquirer

BRITNEY GIVES BIRTH: IT'S A BOY!Pop princess Britney Spears gave birth to a 6 pound, 11 ounce baby boy just before 2 a.m., September 12th at a Los Angeles hospital, insiders told The ENQUIRER in an exclusive."Kevin took Britney to the hospital in the evening hours of Sept. 11 to prepare for the Cesarean birth," an insider said. Only her mother Lynn, and her sister Jamie Lynn were present at the birth. None of Kevin's family was there."Kevin sent a text message over his cell phone to all the Federline family members to let them know," the source said.Britney wanted to have her second child on September 14, the first birthday of Sean Preston but Kevin put his foot down, the source said. He didn't want the kids to have the same birthday.Published on: 09/12/2006

TOM HANKS BEAT HIS FIRST WIFE!



Well, no he didn't, but I thought the headline would be more catchy if I said he did. It's all about the drama! Anyhow, even though he wasn't bitch-slapping anyone, court papers were unearthed recently, which paint Mr. Hanks as a meanie who sabotaged his ex-wife's career and "verbally abused her." Tom, of course, shot back that all of this was about moneymoneymoney, so who knows what really went down? It's not like Tom's first wife has any comment on this--she died in 2002 of bone cancer. Thrown over for a big-toothed "looker" like Rita Wilson, then biting it because of bone cancer. That's gotta suck.

From The New York Post

Tom Hanks is seen as one of Hollywood's nice guys - but the Oscar winner's first wife, the mother of his kids, strongly disagreed with that perception.
In newly unearthed court papers published in the upcoming bio "The Tom Hanks Enigma," by David Gardner, actress Susan Dillingham charges that Hanks harassed her and attempted to kill her career.

"My husband has repeatedly verbally abused and humiliated me during the past 90 days in my home. This caused me to suffer great emotional distress," Dillingham wrote an L.A. court in asking for a restraining order against Hanks.

Dillingham, whose stage name was Samantha Lewes, died from bone cancer in 2002. During their messy divorce, which began in 1985 and dragged on for three years, the actress said Hanks tried to force her into depositions as she took the lead roles in a series of plays. "[It's] designed to harass and upset me at a time when I should be focusing all of my energies on my job," she wrote in one legal missive.

Hanks shot back in his own legal filing, alleging that Dillingham was delaying a divorce trial "merely to harass me and try to squeeze an unfair settlement out of me."

The couple - college sweethearts who wed after their son, Colin, was born in 1977 - began to have problems when Hanks' career took off in hits like "Splash" and Dillingham's stalled. They also had a daughter, Elizabeth, in 1982.

"Tom was spending less and less time at home . . . [and] with two children to care for and a husband who was away for long stretches . . . it was difficult [for her] to get work," Gardner writes. A year after the divorce, Hanks wed actress Rita Wilson.

Gardner also reveals that Hanks' kid brother, Jim, played a Forrest Gump-type character in a little-known soft-core sex flick two years before Tom created the role that won him an Oscar. In "Buford's Beach Bunnies," Jim invented the "now-famous jerky run associated with Forrest Gump" and, like Gump, showed a shy politeness toward women by calling them "ma'am," the author says.

VICTORIA BECKHAM IN "THE TWILIGHT ZONE"

IS

Anybody else seeing the resemblance between Posh and her
Eye of the Beholder castmates?


You would think that, with all of her money, she'd pay someone to slice off that pig snout. Or at least whittle it down. I may be fat, but this bitch is ugly and I can lose weight.

Daft, daft girl.

WORLD'S UGLIEST BABY TURNS 1 TODAY




Lock up your daughters or, uh, your livestock. Henry Gunther Ademola Dashtu Samuel turns a year old today, while the world wonders how a supermodel and a rock star could create a child that could one day hold the title role in The Hunchback of Notre Dame--without any make-up, no less. Not one to leave scary enough alone, Heidi and Seal are in the midst of brewing their next "creation." Let's hope it's not a girl. Yikes.....

From
Celebrity Baby Blog

Happy birthday Henry. You are now 1 year old!

Name: Henry Gunther Ademola Dashtu Samuel

Birthday: 12th September 2005

Famous for: Being the second child and first biological child of supermodel Heidi Klum and her singer husband, Seal.

Name meaning: Henry's father Seal's real name is Sealhenry. Gunther is after Heidi's father and Ademola is a name from Seal's family. Dashtu is a name Seal came up with, meaning "-2" to illustrate the concept of another child, as explained by Heidi on Conan O'Brien.

Siblings: Henry has an older half-biological sister, Leni. Heidi considers Seal Leni's father.

What they said:

How has life changed for Klum since becoming a mother twice over?: "Two kids' car seats, more diapers and, as any new parents will tell you, less sleep."

Eight weeks after Henry was born, Heidi walked the catwalk for Victoria Secret, saying that "if you like what you do, you can juggle everything."

Even though Heidi is a business woman and supermodel, she says that her "favorite (role) is being a mom and wife."

RUDY HUXTABLE IS A COKE WHORE

TO

Should we be surprised? I bet all of this started back when Bill Cosby would make little Keisha some "Jesus Juice" to drink before he invited her into his trailer to "rehearse."

God I am going to hell. Anyhow, here's the whole story.

From Bossip

Bossip has exclusively learned that Keisha Knight Pulliam formerly of the Cosby Show (Rudy) has a cocaine habit that goes back years.

Multiple sources tell Bossip that Keisha ran in an elite circle of Morehouse and Spelman students in Atlanta who dabbled in cocaine while in college. The source who is a member of this circle says he witnessed Keisha do a line of coke at a party and that one of their friends from Florida dropped out of college and fell on hard times due to this cocaine culture within this elite group of primarily wealthy students.

“Keisha still does coke and it is widely known by her friends, it’s not a secret” says a source.

Bossip has contacted members of this circle of Morehouse and Spelman students and Keisha’s cocaine habit is said to be beyond “dabbling”. Sources tell Bossip that Keisha came to Spelman College during her freshman year "round and plumpy" and not only used cocaine for the high, but to lose weight as well. “Cocaine was the drug of choice to lose weight for the elite group of girls at Spelman” says another source to Bossip.

Sources say Keisha still does coke but her habit is “managed and covered up pretty well.” It seems no child star from the Different Strokes and Cosby Show days made it squeaky clean from the child star syndrome.

THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT TRIMSPA CAN'T FIX




We can all say what we want about trainwreck Anna Nicole Smith, but I feel genuinely bad for this woman, after the near-unbelievable shit that went down in her life over the weekend. First, she gives birth to a healthy, presumably drug-free 6.9 ounce baby girl on September 7, in the Bahamas (why the Bahamas, I wonder? Is she trying to be like Angelina Jolie or something???). So this is good news. Then her 20-year old son Daniel flies down to see her and the new baby. He gets into the Bahamas, goes directly to the hospital, hangs with Mom and the new baby, and falls asleep in a chair next to his mother's bed. Later, Mom tries to wake him up and can't. Doctors can't either. The word right now is "massive heart attack." This is bad.

I always rooted for Daniel whenever I saw him on the "Anna Nicole Show," as his mom slurred her words, or kissed her late husband's urn, or ate fried chicken while having her nails done. He seemed like a nice, quiet kid, which amazed me given how outer-limits his mother was. Whatever the cause of death, 20 is too damn young to die. I just hope that Anna manages to keep it together for the sake of her newborn, and the only drugs she'll ingest are those damm Trimspa pills.

Poor kid. RIP Daniel.

From MSNBC

NASSAU, Bahamas - The 20-year-old son of Anna Nicole Smith died while visiting his mother in the hospital where the reality TV star and former Playboy playmate had given birth last week, a Bahamas police official said Monday.

Daniel Wayne Smith died Sunday in his mother’s room at Doctors’ Hospital in Nassau, Reginald Ferguson, assistant commissioner of the Royal Bahamian Police Force, said in an interview with The Associated Press. He said an autopsy was under way.

Smith arrived Saturday night in the Bahamas and apparently went directly to the hospital where he spent the night, Ferguson said.

“It would appear from our report that the mother had gotten up, saw him in the chair and he appeared to be sound asleep,” he said. “She tried to wake him up, he was unresponsive, and she sounded the alarm.”

Medical personnel arrived and pronounced him dead at the scene, Ferguson said.

Anna Nicole Smith, 38, gave birth to a healthy 6-pound, 9-ounce girl at the hospital Thursday, her Web site said.

“Anna Nicole is absolutely devastated by the loss of her son. He was her pride and joy and an amazing human being,” a statement on the site said. It said that drugs or alcohol were not believed to be a factor.

Her son had traveled to the Caribbean country “to share in the joy of his baby sister,” the statement said. “Please do not make any press inquiries at this time so that Anna Nicole can grieve in peace.”

Daniel Smith was the product of Smith’s 1985 marriage to Billy Smith. The couple, who met while working together at Jim’s Krispy Fried Chicken in Mexia, Texas, divorced in 1987.

The son had small roles in her movies “Skyscraper” and “To the Limit.”

Robin Bonnema, a spokeswoman for Trimspa, the diet products company that has been endorsed by Smith, said she did not know the name of the baby girl’s father.

Smith married Texas oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall II in 1994, when she was 26 and he was 89. He died the following year.

She then feuded with Marshall’s son, Pierce Marshall, over her entitlement to the tycoon’s estate before he died in June at the age of 67.

In the long-running dispute, Smith had won a $474 million judgment, which was later cut to about $89 million and eventually reduced to zero. In May, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that Smith could continue to pursue the fortune in federal courts in California despite a Texas state court ruling that Marshall’s youngest son was the sole heir.

The love that once was born cannot die
For it has become part of us, of our life,
Woven into the very texture of our being.
Each of us would wish to leave some part of ourselves,
So here and now we bear witness to the one we knew in life,
Who now in death bequeaths a subtle part, precious and beloved,
Which will be with us in truth and beauty,
In dignity and courage and love
To the end of our days.

--Algernon Black

PREGNANCY AT ITS FINEST





In honor of my dear friend who is pregnant and awaiting and the impending birth of the Hottest Babies Ever (yes, she is having two--when one of my friends decides to do something, they DO it), I present "How to Have a Baby," courtesy of "Absolutely Fabulous."

When talking about the Miracle of Life, most friends would post some sweet baby fluff filled with fuzzy bunnies and kittens, or duckies--all those baby-type things. Viva is not that kind of friend; further, she is looking forward to being the Wackiest Aunt Ever (lock the liquor cabinet).

This is one of the best episodes ever. "A vile musky whiff of fecundity in the air." The dialogue is genius.

It really is the Best Show Ever. The Best Show Ever for the Cutest Soon-To-Be Newborns Ever!!!

AS MY BIRTHDAY APPROACHES ...





I like to remind myself how really, fucking ancient I am (yes, the "fucking" was necessary). Stuff like this reminds me how long I've been alive, and how my bones are slowly turning to dust.

But as old as I am, these guys are way older. And aside from JT, who remains perpetually hot, time has not been kind to them either.

I always loved this song though. It makes no sense whatsoever, but it's catchy.

Duran was like that. None of their songs make any sense. Simon called it his "artistic vision" or what have you. And the videos--what the hell? Acid trips, every one. It's all part of the New Romantic movement, which I am also old enough to remember.

But guess what, all you young whippersnappers--ankle boots are back in style. HA HA HA. I may have to dig out my "vintage" black suede slouch boots, and grab a fedora. Maybe some tapered leg jeans with zippers at the bottom, paired with a huge button down shirt, with a big pin on the collar. Maybe a Forenza sweater vest over it!!! And bright blue eyeliner AND bright blue mascara, just like Donna Mills from Knots Landing. And, of course, lots of Aquanet. Nothing speaks of my formative years more than Aquanet. The smell of it still gives me flashbacks.

Oh you know you used it too. If you are a geezer like me, anyway. IF YOU'VE NEVER HAD BIG HAIR, YOU HAVEN'T LIVED.

THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY, FRIDAY EDITION




Most days, I live a normal quiet life of simple pleasures. But every once in a while, the Lord Baby Jesus throws me a bone. Today is one of those days. Lohan was robbed ( it's always smart to wander off and leave your $5000 Birkin bag, most likely stuffed with coke and dildos, on the baggage cart when departing from an international airport), and as everyone knows, Paris Herpes, I mean, Hilton, was arrested for DUI. I love this pic because it totally looks like she's being picked up for prostitution. Which I wouldn't put past her either.

Isn't the Lord wonderful??? You know what could make this day a virtual Holy Trinity of Karmic Justice? Jessica Simpson gets speared through the heart by an angry stingray. It wasn't funny when it happened to poor Steve Irwin, but Jessica could make this a laugh riot, while drowning in a pool of her own blood. The chances of this happening again this week is rare, but a girl can dream, can't she? Don't ruin my murderous fantasy! Go, stingray, go!!!!

FOR WHATEVER REASON...


























When I saw this picture of Xtina, I had a flashback to "Village of the Damned." See the resemblance? Her eyes are strangely demonic. Like she is saying, "My name is Christina Aguilera and I love to make hit records and wear skimpy outfits.


Oh and consume your immortal soul."

Very unnerving.

VIVA'S CONTRIBUTION TO GLOBAL WARMING

Sorry the posts have been shit today--Viva is awash in approximately 5 jillion new projects and will likely never see the light of day again. She is hauling ass to make the payments on her fun new car. Oh yes indeedy. In "Enviromental Warrior News," I have done my part to add craploads of emissions into the atmosphere, ensuring that the polar ice caps will melt into the sea and cause the ocean levels to rise about 20 feet. In short, my new car may very well sink NYC and Florida. Harried New Yorkers will have to wear scuba gear to get downtown. Real estate will continue to cost too much goddamned money in Gotham, regardless--I bet an underwater studio will still run $3K a month--they'll advertise it as having an "ocean view." Fuckers.

But I digress.

Anyhow, here is the new ride, the tricked out Nissan Pathfinder SE, with a bunch of bells and whistles I will probably never use.. A swanky little vehicle, ain't it? Actually, it is pretty damned big, and I feel like I am comandeering a truck when I barrel down the road. But I look snazzy and that is all that matters. Who cares if it gets 2 miles to the gallon? Who cares if it has baby sealskin hubcabs, and represents the worst in bloated American consumerism? It's Ipod compatible! Whoo hoo!!!!!

I STILL DON'T BUY IT





It's a sad state of affairs when a baby has to be photoshopped within an inch of her life. I hold fast to my opinion that they built her in the lab. And what is with the fur on the kid's head? Watch, God will smote me big time, and give me a baby with more hair on its head than a chinchilla as punishment for picking on this innocent kid, but whatever. Fur is for monkeys. Maybe the Thetans used monkey DNA to give baby Suri an authentic swarthy look, so that people might believe she is biologically related to Tom and Katie? We will never know. At least this kid isn't as ugly as Heidi Klum and Seal's monkey baby (and they are pregnant again, so let's say a collective prayer that the next one is not nearly as unfortunate-looking as Baby Henry).

I want the un-retouched photos! You know, the ones that show the gills on the sides of Suri's head. Bring 'em forward!

CRIKEY!!!!





I just heard about legendary "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin biting the big one, and instantly thought that one of those crocodiles he so loved to annoy finally pulled one over on him, and got a good chomp through his carotid artery. Not so. The Croc Hunter met his maker while swimming in the ocean and somehow managing to get himself impaled by a stingray--right through the heart no less. You know that's gotta hurt. Apparently, it is a rare and exceptionally freakish way to die, so I think Steve must be pleased with that, from the Great Beyond. How many people do you know who crapped out because they were speared by a stingray? Not many. That's one for the record books.

What gets me about his death, is basically the same problem I have with most kooky conservationalists out there, who go all preachy and batty and try to "commune" with the animals, be they crocodiles, or gorillas, or cranky brown bears (remember the stupid nutjob who thought the nice brown bears were his "friends" and then got himself and his girlfriend torn to bits by one of his buddies out in Alaska?)--Folks, these are wild animals. Wild animals with Big Sharp Teeth and poor personal communication skills. Or 10 inch long barbs that pierce through hearts. These animals do not want to be friends with you, or hang out and have a Corona. They want to be left alone, or, perhaps, they want to turn you into a happy meal. Either way, they will fuck your shit up, as it were, and you'd be wise to steer clear of them. Steve learned that the hard way.

I really don't feel all that bad for Steve Irwin. He knew the risks of tempting the fates with these wild animals, and today he drew the short stick. Shit happens. I DO however, have mucho sympathy for his wife and two kids, who will grow up without a dad, thanks to a panicked stingray. Senseless and completely avoidable, but what can you do? Life is wacky like that. RIP Steve and his clingy khaki shorts (crikey, indeed!)

From MSNBC

CAIRNS, Australia - Steve Irwin, the hugely popular Australian television personality and conservationist known as the “Crocodile Hunter,” was killed Monday by a stingray while filming off the Great Barrier Reef. He was 44.

Irwin was at Batt Reef, off the remote coast of northeastern Queensland state, shooting a segment for a series called “Ocean’s Deadliest” when he swam too close to one of the animals, which have a poisonous bard on their tails, his friend and colleague John Stainton said.

“He came on top of the stingray and the stingray’s barb went up and into his chest and put a hole into his heart,” said Stainton, who was on board Irwin’s boat at the time.

Crew members aboard the boat, Croc One, called emergency services in the nearest city, Cairns, and administered CPR as they rushed the boat to nearby Low Isle to meet a rescue helicopter. Medical staff pronounced Irwin dead when they arrived a short time later, Stainton said.

Irwin was famous for his enthusiasm for wildlife and his catchword “Crikey!” in his television program “Crocodile Hunter.” First broadcast in Australia in 1992, the program was picked up by the Discovery network, catapulting Irwin to international celebrity.

He rode his image into a feature film, 2002’s “The Crocodile Hunters: Collision Course” and developed the wildlife park that his parents opened, Australia Zoo, into a major tourist attraction.

“The world has lost a great wildlife icon, a passionate conservationist and one of the proudest dads on the planet,” Stainton told reporters in Cairns. “He died doing what he loved best and left this world in a happy and peaceful state of mind. He would have said, ’Crocs Rule!”’

'A huge loss to Australia'
Prime Minister John Howard, who hand-picked Irwin to attend a gala barbecue to honor President Bush when he visited in 2003, said he was “shocked and distressed at Steve Irwin’s sudden, untimely and freakish death.”

“It’s a huge loss to Australia,” Howard told reporters. “He was a wonderful character. He was a passionate environmentalist. He brought joy and entertainment and excitement to millions of people.”

Irwin, who made a trademark of hovering dangerously close to untethered crocodiles and leaping on their backs, spoke in rapid-fire bursts with a thick Australian accent and was almost never seen without his uniform of khaki shorts and shirt and heavy boots.

His ebullience was infectious and Australian officials sought him out for photo opportunities and to promote Australia internationally.

Irwin’s public image was dented, however, in 2004 when he caused an uproar by holding his infant son in one arm while feeding large crocodiles inside a zoo pen. Irwin claimed at the time there was no danger to the child, and authorities declined to charge Irwin with violating safety regulations.

Later that year, he was accused of getting too close to penguins, a seal and humpback whales in Antarctica while making a documentary. Irwin denied any wrongdoing, and an Australian Environment Department investigation recommended no action be taken against him.

Stingrays have a serrated, toxin-loaded barb, or spine, on the top of their tail. The barb, which can be up to 10 inches long, flexes if a ray is frightened. Stings usually occur to people when they step on or swim too close to a ray and can be excruciatingly painful but are rarely fatal, said University of Queensland marine neuroscientist Shaun Collin.

'Extraordinarily bad luck'
Collin said he suspected Irwin died because the barb pierced under his ribcage and directly into his heart.

“It was extraordinarily bad luck. It’s not easy to get spined by a stingray and to be killed by one is very rare,” Collin said.

News of Irwin’s death spread quickly, and tributes flowed from all quarters of society.

At Australia Zoo at Beerwah, south Queensland, floral tributes were dropped at the entrance, where a huge fake crocodile gapes. Drivers honked their horns as they passed.

“Steve, from all God’s creatures, thank you. Rest in peace,” was written on a card with a bouquet of native flowers.

“We’re all very shocked. I don’t know what the zoo will do without him. He’s done so much for us, the environment and it’s a big loss,” said Paula Kelly, a local resident and volunteer at the zoo, after dropping off a wreath at the gate.

Stainton said Irwin’s American-born wife Terri, from Eugene, Ore., had been informed of his death, and had told their daughter Bindi Sue, 8, and son Bob, who will turn 3 in December.

The couple met when she went on vacation in Australia in 1991 and visited Irwin’s Australia Zoo; they were married six months later. Sometimes referred to as the “Crocodile Huntress,” she costarred on her husband’s television show and in his 2002 movie.