THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT TRIMSPA CAN'T FIX




We can all say what we want about trainwreck Anna Nicole Smith, but I feel genuinely bad for this woman, after the near-unbelievable shit that went down in her life over the weekend. First, she gives birth to a healthy, presumably drug-free 6.9 ounce baby girl on September 7, in the Bahamas (why the Bahamas, I wonder? Is she trying to be like Angelina Jolie or something???). So this is good news. Then her 20-year old son Daniel flies down to see her and the new baby. He gets into the Bahamas, goes directly to the hospital, hangs with Mom and the new baby, and falls asleep in a chair next to his mother's bed. Later, Mom tries to wake him up and can't. Doctors can't either. The word right now is "massive heart attack." This is bad.

I always rooted for Daniel whenever I saw him on the "Anna Nicole Show," as his mom slurred her words, or kissed her late husband's urn, or ate fried chicken while having her nails done. He seemed like a nice, quiet kid, which amazed me given how outer-limits his mother was. Whatever the cause of death, 20 is too damn young to die. I just hope that Anna manages to keep it together for the sake of her newborn, and the only drugs she'll ingest are those damm Trimspa pills.

Poor kid. RIP Daniel.

From MSNBC

NASSAU, Bahamas - The 20-year-old son of Anna Nicole Smith died while visiting his mother in the hospital where the reality TV star and former Playboy playmate had given birth last week, a Bahamas police official said Monday.

Daniel Wayne Smith died Sunday in his mother’s room at Doctors’ Hospital in Nassau, Reginald Ferguson, assistant commissioner of the Royal Bahamian Police Force, said in an interview with The Associated Press. He said an autopsy was under way.

Smith arrived Saturday night in the Bahamas and apparently went directly to the hospital where he spent the night, Ferguson said.

“It would appear from our report that the mother had gotten up, saw him in the chair and he appeared to be sound asleep,” he said. “She tried to wake him up, he was unresponsive, and she sounded the alarm.”

Medical personnel arrived and pronounced him dead at the scene, Ferguson said.

Anna Nicole Smith, 38, gave birth to a healthy 6-pound, 9-ounce girl at the hospital Thursday, her Web site said.

“Anna Nicole is absolutely devastated by the loss of her son. He was her pride and joy and an amazing human being,” a statement on the site said. It said that drugs or alcohol were not believed to be a factor.

Her son had traveled to the Caribbean country “to share in the joy of his baby sister,” the statement said. “Please do not make any press inquiries at this time so that Anna Nicole can grieve in peace.”

Daniel Smith was the product of Smith’s 1985 marriage to Billy Smith. The couple, who met while working together at Jim’s Krispy Fried Chicken in Mexia, Texas, divorced in 1987.

The son had small roles in her movies “Skyscraper” and “To the Limit.”

Robin Bonnema, a spokeswoman for Trimspa, the diet products company that has been endorsed by Smith, said she did not know the name of the baby girl’s father.

Smith married Texas oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall II in 1994, when she was 26 and he was 89. He died the following year.

She then feuded with Marshall’s son, Pierce Marshall, over her entitlement to the tycoon’s estate before he died in June at the age of 67.

In the long-running dispute, Smith had won a $474 million judgment, which was later cut to about $89 million and eventually reduced to zero. In May, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that Smith could continue to pursue the fortune in federal courts in California despite a Texas state court ruling that Marshall’s youngest son was the sole heir.

The love that once was born cannot die
For it has become part of us, of our life,
Woven into the very texture of our being.
Each of us would wish to leave some part of ourselves,
So here and now we bear witness to the one we knew in life,
Who now in death bequeaths a subtle part, precious and beloved,
Which will be with us in truth and beauty,
In dignity and courage and love
To the end of our days.

--Algernon Black

PREGNANCY AT ITS FINEST





In honor of my dear friend who is pregnant and awaiting and the impending birth of the Hottest Babies Ever (yes, she is having two--when one of my friends decides to do something, they DO it), I present "How to Have a Baby," courtesy of "Absolutely Fabulous."

When talking about the Miracle of Life, most friends would post some sweet baby fluff filled with fuzzy bunnies and kittens, or duckies--all those baby-type things. Viva is not that kind of friend; further, she is looking forward to being the Wackiest Aunt Ever (lock the liquor cabinet).

This is one of the best episodes ever. "A vile musky whiff of fecundity in the air." The dialogue is genius.

It really is the Best Show Ever. The Best Show Ever for the Cutest Soon-To-Be Newborns Ever!!!

AS MY BIRTHDAY APPROACHES ...





I like to remind myself how really, fucking ancient I am (yes, the "fucking" was necessary). Stuff like this reminds me how long I've been alive, and how my bones are slowly turning to dust.

But as old as I am, these guys are way older. And aside from JT, who remains perpetually hot, time has not been kind to them either.

I always loved this song though. It makes no sense whatsoever, but it's catchy.

Duran was like that. None of their songs make any sense. Simon called it his "artistic vision" or what have you. And the videos--what the hell? Acid trips, every one. It's all part of the New Romantic movement, which I am also old enough to remember.

But guess what, all you young whippersnappers--ankle boots are back in style. HA HA HA. I may have to dig out my "vintage" black suede slouch boots, and grab a fedora. Maybe some tapered leg jeans with zippers at the bottom, paired with a huge button down shirt, with a big pin on the collar. Maybe a Forenza sweater vest over it!!! And bright blue eyeliner AND bright blue mascara, just like Donna Mills from Knots Landing. And, of course, lots of Aquanet. Nothing speaks of my formative years more than Aquanet. The smell of it still gives me flashbacks.

Oh you know you used it too. If you are a geezer like me, anyway. IF YOU'VE NEVER HAD BIG HAIR, YOU HAVEN'T LIVED.

THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY, FRIDAY EDITION




Most days, I live a normal quiet life of simple pleasures. But every once in a while, the Lord Baby Jesus throws me a bone. Today is one of those days. Lohan was robbed ( it's always smart to wander off and leave your $5000 Birkin bag, most likely stuffed with coke and dildos, on the baggage cart when departing from an international airport), and as everyone knows, Paris Herpes, I mean, Hilton, was arrested for DUI. I love this pic because it totally looks like she's being picked up for prostitution. Which I wouldn't put past her either.

Isn't the Lord wonderful??? You know what could make this day a virtual Holy Trinity of Karmic Justice? Jessica Simpson gets speared through the heart by an angry stingray. It wasn't funny when it happened to poor Steve Irwin, but Jessica could make this a laugh riot, while drowning in a pool of her own blood. The chances of this happening again this week is rare, but a girl can dream, can't she? Don't ruin my murderous fantasy! Go, stingray, go!!!!

FOR WHATEVER REASON...


























When I saw this picture of Xtina, I had a flashback to "Village of the Damned." See the resemblance? Her eyes are strangely demonic. Like she is saying, "My name is Christina Aguilera and I love to make hit records and wear skimpy outfits.


Oh and consume your immortal soul."

Very unnerving.

VIVA'S CONTRIBUTION TO GLOBAL WARMING

Sorry the posts have been shit today--Viva is awash in approximately 5 jillion new projects and will likely never see the light of day again. She is hauling ass to make the payments on her fun new car. Oh yes indeedy. In "Enviromental Warrior News," I have done my part to add craploads of emissions into the atmosphere, ensuring that the polar ice caps will melt into the sea and cause the ocean levels to rise about 20 feet. In short, my new car may very well sink NYC and Florida. Harried New Yorkers will have to wear scuba gear to get downtown. Real estate will continue to cost too much goddamned money in Gotham, regardless--I bet an underwater studio will still run $3K a month--they'll advertise it as having an "ocean view." Fuckers.

But I digress.

Anyhow, here is the new ride, the tricked out Nissan Pathfinder SE, with a bunch of bells and whistles I will probably never use.. A swanky little vehicle, ain't it? Actually, it is pretty damned big, and I feel like I am comandeering a truck when I barrel down the road. But I look snazzy and that is all that matters. Who cares if it gets 2 miles to the gallon? Who cares if it has baby sealskin hubcabs, and represents the worst in bloated American consumerism? It's Ipod compatible! Whoo hoo!!!!!

I STILL DON'T BUY IT





It's a sad state of affairs when a baby has to be photoshopped within an inch of her life. I hold fast to my opinion that they built her in the lab. And what is with the fur on the kid's head? Watch, God will smote me big time, and give me a baby with more hair on its head than a chinchilla as punishment for picking on this innocent kid, but whatever. Fur is for monkeys. Maybe the Thetans used monkey DNA to give baby Suri an authentic swarthy look, so that people might believe she is biologically related to Tom and Katie? We will never know. At least this kid isn't as ugly as Heidi Klum and Seal's monkey baby (and they are pregnant again, so let's say a collective prayer that the next one is not nearly as unfortunate-looking as Baby Henry).

I want the un-retouched photos! You know, the ones that show the gills on the sides of Suri's head. Bring 'em forward!

CRIKEY!!!!





I just heard about legendary "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin biting the big one, and instantly thought that one of those crocodiles he so loved to annoy finally pulled one over on him, and got a good chomp through his carotid artery. Not so. The Croc Hunter met his maker while swimming in the ocean and somehow managing to get himself impaled by a stingray--right through the heart no less. You know that's gotta hurt. Apparently, it is a rare and exceptionally freakish way to die, so I think Steve must be pleased with that, from the Great Beyond. How many people do you know who crapped out because they were speared by a stingray? Not many. That's one for the record books.

What gets me about his death, is basically the same problem I have with most kooky conservationalists out there, who go all preachy and batty and try to "commune" with the animals, be they crocodiles, or gorillas, or cranky brown bears (remember the stupid nutjob who thought the nice brown bears were his "friends" and then got himself and his girlfriend torn to bits by one of his buddies out in Alaska?)--Folks, these are wild animals. Wild animals with Big Sharp Teeth and poor personal communication skills. Or 10 inch long barbs that pierce through hearts. These animals do not want to be friends with you, or hang out and have a Corona. They want to be left alone, or, perhaps, they want to turn you into a happy meal. Either way, they will fuck your shit up, as it were, and you'd be wise to steer clear of them. Steve learned that the hard way.

I really don't feel all that bad for Steve Irwin. He knew the risks of tempting the fates with these wild animals, and today he drew the short stick. Shit happens. I DO however, have mucho sympathy for his wife and two kids, who will grow up without a dad, thanks to a panicked stingray. Senseless and completely avoidable, but what can you do? Life is wacky like that. RIP Steve and his clingy khaki shorts (crikey, indeed!)

From MSNBC

CAIRNS, Australia - Steve Irwin, the hugely popular Australian television personality and conservationist known as the “Crocodile Hunter,” was killed Monday by a stingray while filming off the Great Barrier Reef. He was 44.

Irwin was at Batt Reef, off the remote coast of northeastern Queensland state, shooting a segment for a series called “Ocean’s Deadliest” when he swam too close to one of the animals, which have a poisonous bard on their tails, his friend and colleague John Stainton said.

“He came on top of the stingray and the stingray’s barb went up and into his chest and put a hole into his heart,” said Stainton, who was on board Irwin’s boat at the time.

Crew members aboard the boat, Croc One, called emergency services in the nearest city, Cairns, and administered CPR as they rushed the boat to nearby Low Isle to meet a rescue helicopter. Medical staff pronounced Irwin dead when they arrived a short time later, Stainton said.

Irwin was famous for his enthusiasm for wildlife and his catchword “Crikey!” in his television program “Crocodile Hunter.” First broadcast in Australia in 1992, the program was picked up by the Discovery network, catapulting Irwin to international celebrity.

He rode his image into a feature film, 2002’s “The Crocodile Hunters: Collision Course” and developed the wildlife park that his parents opened, Australia Zoo, into a major tourist attraction.

“The world has lost a great wildlife icon, a passionate conservationist and one of the proudest dads on the planet,” Stainton told reporters in Cairns. “He died doing what he loved best and left this world in a happy and peaceful state of mind. He would have said, ’Crocs Rule!”’

'A huge loss to Australia'
Prime Minister John Howard, who hand-picked Irwin to attend a gala barbecue to honor President Bush when he visited in 2003, said he was “shocked and distressed at Steve Irwin’s sudden, untimely and freakish death.”

“It’s a huge loss to Australia,” Howard told reporters. “He was a wonderful character. He was a passionate environmentalist. He brought joy and entertainment and excitement to millions of people.”

Irwin, who made a trademark of hovering dangerously close to untethered crocodiles and leaping on their backs, spoke in rapid-fire bursts with a thick Australian accent and was almost never seen without his uniform of khaki shorts and shirt and heavy boots.

His ebullience was infectious and Australian officials sought him out for photo opportunities and to promote Australia internationally.

Irwin’s public image was dented, however, in 2004 when he caused an uproar by holding his infant son in one arm while feeding large crocodiles inside a zoo pen. Irwin claimed at the time there was no danger to the child, and authorities declined to charge Irwin with violating safety regulations.

Later that year, he was accused of getting too close to penguins, a seal and humpback whales in Antarctica while making a documentary. Irwin denied any wrongdoing, and an Australian Environment Department investigation recommended no action be taken against him.

Stingrays have a serrated, toxin-loaded barb, or spine, on the top of their tail. The barb, which can be up to 10 inches long, flexes if a ray is frightened. Stings usually occur to people when they step on or swim too close to a ray and can be excruciatingly painful but are rarely fatal, said University of Queensland marine neuroscientist Shaun Collin.

'Extraordinarily bad luck'
Collin said he suspected Irwin died because the barb pierced under his ribcage and directly into his heart.

“It was extraordinarily bad luck. It’s not easy to get spined by a stingray and to be killed by one is very rare,” Collin said.

News of Irwin’s death spread quickly, and tributes flowed from all quarters of society.

At Australia Zoo at Beerwah, south Queensland, floral tributes were dropped at the entrance, where a huge fake crocodile gapes. Drivers honked their horns as they passed.

“Steve, from all God’s creatures, thank you. Rest in peace,” was written on a card with a bouquet of native flowers.

“We’re all very shocked. I don’t know what the zoo will do without him. He’s done so much for us, the environment and it’s a big loss,” said Paula Kelly, a local resident and volunteer at the zoo, after dropping off a wreath at the gate.

Stainton said Irwin’s American-born wife Terri, from Eugene, Ore., had been informed of his death, and had told their daughter Bindi Sue, 8, and son Bob, who will turn 3 in December.

The couple met when she went on vacation in Australia in 1991 and visited Irwin’s Australia Zoo; they were married six months later. Sometimes referred to as the “Crocodile Huntress,” she costarred on her husband’s television show and in his 2002 movie.

JESSICA, YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE NOTES

This has its moments of being a little oversung (yelled) and whatnot, but man, can this chick SING. I like Christina. There's no one out there like her, and what an instrument. JEALOUS!

JESSICA SIMPSON IS A MAJOR TALENT

And don't you say otherwise. I mean, it takes a lot of primping to sound just this shitty.

IF YOU'RE CONSIDERING SUICIDE



This could be the video that finally makes you pull the trigger.

Enjoy.

THE ONLY NON-SUCKY PERFORMANCE AT THE VMAs

Viva used to like 'em young, and Justin, well, the man is pretty edible. He needs to ditch PockMark (Cameron) though. I hear they are on the outs anyway. He he. Plus, the man can dance. There is nothing better than a man with rythym. Love him!!!!

THE VMAs SUCKED ASS







Like hairy man-ass. Who knew Jack Black could be so spectacularly unfunny? Who knew that the categories like "Best Cellphone Ring" could showcase just how irrelevant this show has become? Who knew J. Lo was channeling Norma Desmond with the silver skullcap and matching dress?

In short, everyone and everything sucked and I am happy to be an old codger who grew up during a time when the VMAs were actually cool.

One highpoint (and there appeared to be only one) was Justin Timberlake. People who know Viva know I love me my boy bands, and dude, if that "Sexyback" isn't catchy! It just makes me want to do shots and cage dance. Viva loves the cage dancing, hand blisters and forehead bruises and all. Listen to Sexyback here.

THE BRILLIANCE OF "SOUTH PARK"

With the publishing of the John Travolta Big Gay Pic, I thought this was fitting. And totally hysterical. Watch John Travolta and Tom Cruise "trapped in the closet." R. Kelly shows up for good measure.

Cackle, cackle, cackle....

SOMEBODY NEEDS A BIG GAY AUDIT




In the most shocking news since discovering the earth is round, the sky is blue, and global warming is causing the polar ice caps to melt, the upcoming Enquirer is publishing this picture of John Travolta giving a "close male friend" a hearty hello (or good-bye, or "please pull your pants down and show me your winky!").

Sure this guy could be European, or maybe Canadians (the photo was taken in Toronto) are freaky-deeks and like to kiss. But enough stories have circulated throughout the years about Travolta horrifying male massuers that make me think otherwise.

Whatever will the Scientologists say? They are not big on this gay shit, and may demote him, or better yet, put him in one of those "cleansing" programs to de-gay him. Again. Paging Tom Cruise! But anyhow....

Not only do I 100% think he is gay, I also think the Wifey (Kelly Preston) knows it too. But hey, she is swimming in Lear Jets and more money than most of us will ever see in a lifetime. If I met a nice guy who was totally loaded, who would throw me some sperm for a kid or two, set me up for life AND watch "Mommie Dearest" with me, I'd put up with a "Good friend named Steve" too. It's all good.

Because Everyone Needs a Little Shatner

For whatever reason, I love this man. He's so completely enamored with himself. It's brilliant! It's classic amusement for the ages! It's "Things That Make You Go 'WTF'?"

Love Live Shatner.

IT'S ALL SMOKE AND MIRRORS....

Can I get a Photoshop expert to follow me around? Because, I seriously need their services. I just got back some recent pictures of my haggard self wherein I realized, in horror, I have grown a Ned--half neck, half head, all bad--similar to a MOG (half man, half dog--come on, there have to be some "Space Balls" dorks out there), but I am not, in any way, my own best friend. Any semblance of a jawline that I used to have has all but disappeared. As I eat this crumbcake I just made, I wonder where it went??? Now, if I had me a retoucher, he could swipe all that shit away, and make my all thin and hot again. Just like Katie Couric. Or her retouched picture. Bitch looks good!

From The New York Post

August 30, 2006 -- Talk about a miracle diet - Katie Couric has become the Incredible Shrinking Anchorwoman.
Thanks to a computer "slight" of hand, the Tiffany network has made the new face of "CBS Evening News" instantly drop about 20 pounds.
In a picture widely distributed to the media last month, a normal-looking Couric wore a frumpy light gray suit and her trademark smile.
But thanks to Photoshop, the popular editing software, the same photo, printed in a CBS magazine, shows her looking much, much thinner - and her suit has become a few shades darker.
Couric, who was made aware of the picture's alteration yesterday, joked that she liked the original better.
"There's more of me to love," she quipped.
The picture was taken in May when Couric, 49, appeared at the CBS "Upfront" presentation at Carnegie Hall.
It was later widely distributed by CBS as an official photo of its new $15 million-a-year anchor- woman.
Then the computer generated version appeared in the latest quarterly edition of Watch!
It's produced and edited by the CBS press department and distributed to network employees, news-media outlets, affiliates, network gift shops and Paramount-owned theme parks.
Network officials say the magazine has a circulation of around 400,000.
"The picture was retouched without the knowledge of Ms. Couric or CBS News management," a CBS spokesman said.
As far as the magazine goes, an insider insisted the publication was just following normal industry practice when it shrunk Couric.
He claimed that just about all magazines tinker with photos - even though some top photographers and photo editors at news organizations have lost their jobs in recent times for doing just that.
Most media experts say that whenever a photo is altered in any way, the public should be alerted, although it's more of a problem if it occurs at newsmagazines rather than a magazine a company publishes about itself.
A top health expert joked that if Couric dropped the weight as rapidly as she appeared to, it would have cost her an arm or a leg - literally.
"Besides Photoshop, the only other way to lose 20 pounds in a matter of seconds would be to hack off a limb," joked Samantha Heller, the senior clinical nutritionist at NYU Medical Center.
"I mean, liposuction is pretty fast - but that takes longer since you have to prep for surgery and everything."
On a more serious note, she said, "Of course the healthy way to do it wouldn't be fast.
"If you lose weight too quickly it scares your body - the body is not designed to lose weight quickly. [Instead], cut back on the junk, pretty standard stuff. Katie could eat more vegetables, cut down on carbs and increase her exercise," said Heller.
"I know she has a trainer because she talked about it [when she was on 'Today'] so she could have the trainer pump up her exercise a bit."

Because I can......

You may tire of Patsy and Eddy, but I never will. NEVER!!!!!!!

This is the episode where Saffrom writes a play about the two most wonderfully dysfunctional women in the world.

THAT WHICH DOES NOT KILL US....



makes my head hurt instead.

Viva USED to be able to drink. She could throw down with the best of them, when she was young, thinner, and had a liver more bouncy than a new pair of Nikes. Life was good then, and the birds chirped and the world was a happy place.

But the passage of time can humble even the most prolific drinker. Especially one who has traveled the road of All Night Benders in the City all the way to Sobriety and Sweatpants in the Suburbs.

Time is not on my side, I am afraid.

Viva celebrated her Bachelor Girl freedom by heading out to happy hour with a dear friend last night. During the course of the evening, Viva learned four important things:

1. Cosmos sort of taste like lighter fluid unless you are really drunk (then they taste like watery lighter fluid)
2. Do not mix Cosmos with beer.
3. A 2 a.m. stop at the grocery store for frozen "stuffed potato skins," "mozzerella sticks" and "chicken taquitos" (and a cookie) is not probably not a good idea.
4. Eating said frozen items in a barely warmed state at 2:30 a.m. is an even worse idea.

Somehow I managed to walk the dog, clean the kitchen, take off my makeup and remove my contacts in my inebriated state, so score one for maturity. Sort of.

Anyhow, whatever brain cells I can cull today have to be used for actual work. In short, posting will be shit, while I conquer the shakes and head for McDonalds.

Bachelor Girl Week is officially over on Sunday, but Viva plans to nurse her wounds on the couch with happy hair for the remainder. Viva is a crappy bachelor girl.

It's not easy to get old.