PEOPLE WHO ANNOY THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF ME, EDITION 11: HILARY SWANK



I have hated Hilary Swank ever since her first Oscar acceptance speech. Like, the girl used to guest star on "90210" (oh yes, I remember folks!) and now she is all "High Art" and sanctimonious. I could forgive the first Oscar speech. I even overlooked the second Oscar speech (if I were Clint Eastwood, I would have gotten up and smacked the bitch right on the stage, but Clint is ond and has all those varicose veins taking over his bony legs, so we can forgive him).

Anyhow, what really steams me now is that, all of a sudden, Hilary is on the cover of Vanity Fair and spilling the beans that her marriage ended because her husband was addicted to smack. Okay, she doesn't come right out and SAY cocaine, but Chad Lowe is a Lowe, and those Lowe boys love their powder. Come on, like Rob Lowe was sober when he made that sex tape with the 16-year-old at the 1988 Democratic National Convention (those Democrats are pervs too, eh? They need to hang with Duran Duran).

But anyhow, I digress. I will bash Rob another day. Today is for Hilary. First off, that's a really shitty thing to do, ratting your husband out like that in a national magazine, after all the years he has stood by you and held your purse while trying not to scream out in pain. Why did she do it? For what purpose? So Chad gets a smaller cut of her earnings over the years? To garner public sympathy? To get her ugly ass the cover of the magazine? I think she should shut her big horse mouth and be happy someone had the courage to put up with her smarmy artistic self for so long. Sure, she has nice tits. But they come with THAT MOUTH. That never shuts the fuck up. If I were Chad, I'd be doing lines all day long, just to keep myself high enough to hallucinate that maybe she wasn't there, and the scary voices I was hearing were REALLY in my head.

I hope Hilary's next movie is a huge bust, she gets caught in some horrible scandal involving third-world prostitution trafficking, and the only gigs she gets are future appearances on "90210" reunions, where Shannen Doherty gets drunk and knocks all of her horse teeth out. YAY!!!! GO BRENDA!