VIVA IS GOING ON HIATUS

Sometimes in life, the things you love to do, are the things that pay the least. Which is why you don't see old Viva calling herself an actress. Do I stil act? Sure? Do I ever get paid for it? Fuck, no. Bastards.

However, I do get paid for being an editor, so that IS what I call myself and frankly folks, I am swamped up the ass right now with work. This is a good thing when you are a freelancer, but a bad thing when you are trying to blog and write a book on the side. So something's gotta give.

I am leaving admist a celebrity hodgpodge of scandal, between Christie, Peter, and the 19-year-old Southampton Lolita, Dave, Carmen, and his eyeliner, Britney's latest letter of "I Love Tigers" truth, Pam and Kid Rock getting married. It's a cornucopia of gossip goodness! More bastards.

Anyhow, I appreciate all of you fine folks coming by every day (even though none of you fuckers ever leave comments), and I hate to take a break when I am building some momentum, but I have to pay the bills too.

I should dig myself out from under this hole by early August. Until then, stay sexy.

Namaste,

Viva

THE BEST THING FOR PIMPLES? COCAINE!



Lindsay Lohan hawks Proactiv, after they promise to pay her in kilos of the white stuff. She stays skinny and twitchy, and Proactiv has another celebrity moron on their payroll--EVERYBODY WINS!

THERE ARE NO WORDS....

FLAVOR OF SLUT


Hoopz, New York, and Red Oyster, fuck, even HOTTIE look like English Royalty compared to these crackheads. God I love "Flavor of Love"! I hope Gitta makes another cameo. YAY!!!

Loves it!

POLL TIME!


Since I can't get any of you visitors to comment for shit (are you ashamed to be visiting my page? ARE YOU!?!? Uh huh, I thought so), I figured why not give you hags something easy. Like a poll. Who doesn't love a poll?

Have at it.

Whose face has the most botox?
	Mariah Carey
	David Hasselhoff
	Nicolette Sheridan
	Jessica Simpson
	Nicole Kidman

SPEAKING OF LIZA


She's another person I totally love. She's batshit crazy, totally damaged, perpetually drug and alcohol-addled, yo-yoing in weight, has hips of steel (and titanium), and has a penchant for marrying gay men. In short, she's a woman I want to cook a brisket with.

I love that, no matter how fat, or smacked-up she is on drugs, or how many lawsuits are pending against her by her crazy ex-husbands (Gest, I am talking about you--asshole), the woman ALWAYS COMES BACK. Forget Cher surviving a nuclear bomb with cockroaches, LIZA would not only survive a nuclear holocaust, the bitch probably wouldn't even realize one had happened in the first place. She'd be too busy looking for that bottle of vodka she hid in the closet.

This is a video of her performing with Queen. I love it. Every queen's idol performing with Queen.

Say what you want about her, but the lady can sing.

Long Live LIZA!

ANOTHER GAY MOVIE!!!!



Coming to a theater near you (har de har har har). The gays take on "American Pie" and prove that they can be just as crass and silly as we heteros. But who wants pie when you could have quiche???

I so totally want to see this. It looks fabulous!!! I wonder if Joan Crawford will make an appearance? I know she's dead, but a girl can dream.

Liza better be in here somewhere. A gay movie should not be allowed to be made without Liza!!! LOVE HER!

MATT LEINART GETS HERPES--AND WE GET TO WATCH



Nothing like watching the passage of an STD in action, eh? Hollywood's most famous herpified starlet passes "the gift that keeps on giving" along to her latest "squeeze of the nanosecond," Matt Leinart. Look how his eyes are wide with fear--classic. He'll be itching and oozing all the way back to Arizona. Yummy. Valtrex, baby! It's what's for breakfast!

TIME HAS NOT BEEN KIND TO SHANNEN DOHERTY




I guess all that bitch slapping and drunk driving can take a lot out of a girl, eh? Too bad Aaron Spelling is dead: Now he can't hire and fire her for any more of his TV shows.

She will forever be Brenda for me: "DY-LAN! ( big angry sigh)" I will probably like her no matter how crappy she gets to look. It's not like Jennie Garth or Tori Spelling are winning any beauty paegants these days either, you know.

NINE INCH NAILS OF COLLEGIATE LUST



This is the one that started it all.

Flashback: 1992. I am 21, drunk, and eating Oodles of Noodles while sitting on the floor in front of the TV, screaming "TREENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTT"

I almost forgot about the "dreads" period. I love me an angry piece of tormented man-ass. LONG LIVE TRENT!!!!

PEOPLE WHO ANNOY THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF ME, EDITION 12: KATE HUDSON


This is probably only because I am jealous of this skinny "bo-ho rich-as-hell,-marginally talented,-and-aided-by-hollyword-nepotism" bitch, but whatever. You and your skinny husband Chris Robinson are all "rock and roll" --we get it. However:

1. Don't give into "The Maddox Syndrome"--Ryder Russell is old enough to walk on his own. Ditch the baby sling and let the kid have at the pavement.

2. Ryder Russell is a BOY right? I mean, I believe you gave birth to a child with a penis. So cut the kid's fucking hair already. He looks ridiculous and will one day have to work out gender-related issues with a high-priced shrink because of you.

Damn hippies.

PHOTOSHOP ME BABY, ONE MORE TIME!




Here's an outtake from the Britney Harper's Bazaar photo shoot. I want whoever did the airbrushing to come over and follow me around for a day. Look at her sides. It's creepy! Not quite as creepy as Tom Cruise, "Kate" and (even bigger quotation marks) "Suri " the android baby, but close enough.

PEOPLE WHO ANNOY THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF ME, EDITION 11: HILARY SWANK



I have hated Hilary Swank ever since her first Oscar acceptance speech. Like, the girl used to guest star on "90210" (oh yes, I remember folks!) and now she is all "High Art" and sanctimonious. I could forgive the first Oscar speech. I even overlooked the second Oscar speech (if I were Clint Eastwood, I would have gotten up and smacked the bitch right on the stage, but Clint is ond and has all those varicose veins taking over his bony legs, so we can forgive him).

Anyhow, what really steams me now is that, all of a sudden, Hilary is on the cover of Vanity Fair and spilling the beans that her marriage ended because her husband was addicted to smack. Okay, she doesn't come right out and SAY cocaine, but Chad Lowe is a Lowe, and those Lowe boys love their powder. Come on, like Rob Lowe was sober when he made that sex tape with the 16-year-old at the 1988 Democratic National Convention (those Democrats are pervs too, eh? They need to hang with Duran Duran).

But anyhow, I digress. I will bash Rob another day. Today is for Hilary. First off, that's a really shitty thing to do, ratting your husband out like that in a national magazine, after all the years he has stood by you and held your purse while trying not to scream out in pain. Why did she do it? For what purpose? So Chad gets a smaller cut of her earnings over the years? To garner public sympathy? To get her ugly ass the cover of the magazine? I think she should shut her big horse mouth and be happy someone had the courage to put up with her smarmy artistic self for so long. Sure, she has nice tits. But they come with THAT MOUTH. That never shuts the fuck up. If I were Chad, I'd be doing lines all day long, just to keep myself high enough to hallucinate that maybe she wasn't there, and the scary voices I was hearing were REALLY in my head.

I hope Hilary's next movie is a huge bust, she gets caught in some horrible scandal involving third-world prostitution trafficking, and the only gigs she gets are future appearances on "90210" reunions, where Shannen Doherty gets drunk and knocks all of her horse teeth out. YAY!!!! GO BRENDA!

More "High Art"



Since it appears we have fellow Durranie fans here at Vivaville, I've decided to post another Duran video--the classic "Girls on Film"--the UNEDITED version. Yes, the one with the boobies. If you haven't seen it, here's your chance! Boys, grab a tissue. Har har.

I still hold fast to my opinion that those Duran boys were pervs and this video, although tame by today's standards, caused quite the hoopla back in the day. At least in my house.

I wouldn't be me if I didn't have a story to go along with this particular video:

I was 13, and obsessed with All Things Duran. My dad and I were in the local video store one night and I found the Duran Duran video compilation and BEGGED my dad to let me rent it. My father was spent after a two-hour commute home from work and not in the mood to argue with a whiny teenager. He relented and I was rampant with joy.

But of course, this was not good enough for me. Before I watched the video, I told my dad I wanted a copy of the tape. Dinosaurs like me will remember that, back in the day, copying a videotape required the dreaded "Double VCR" set-up--one to play the video, the other to tape what was playing. There were no DVD burners then--no siree. And we walked to school, shoeless, in the snow, uphill, both ways, every day.

Again, my father--tired and wanting a cigarette--relented and went to disentagle our other VCR from my parents' bedroom, cursing quietly all the way up the stairs.

Many wire configurations and "goddamnit"s later, my very grumpy father began copying the video, while I sat in anticipation, not knowing the "surprises" which laid in store. Anyhow, all went well until the "Girls on Film" video came on.

At first, there was an uncomfortable silence when those two chicks in their nighties came across the bridge. My eyes were rounder than moons, and I sucked in my breath sharply. I was going to GET IT for this one. Maybe, I thought in vain, the rest of the video wouldn't be that bad.

My father, until this point, had been commenting on how much makeup Duran Duran were wearing and asking if they were fags. The girl in the see-through panties sliding along the pole covered with whipped cream pretty much answered his question.

More silence ensued, as the cowgirls, sumo sluts, naughty nurses, g-stringed drowning girls, ice-cubed nipples, and boobed-out mud wrestlers crossed the screen. Remember now, I am 13, and watching this with my father. The mortification level, I cannot even tell you. The silence grew even more awkward.

My father's eyebrows raised, and he looked as horrified as I was. As the video ended, he finally spoke.

"What the hell is this crap?"

"Uh, Dad, it's ART!"

"Art?!?! Art, my ass. I spent an hour setting up the VCR to tape trash like this? What the hell is wrong with you?

"But Dad, they're ENGLISH! It's not a big deal over there!"

"Goddamned waste of my time...does your mother know what is on this video???"

To my dad's credit, he never ratted me out to my mother. He also let me keep the video, since he spent about 4 hours trying to figure out how to make a copy in the first place. Ironically enough, I think I only watched it one more time after that. At 13, I had the attention span of a gnat. At 34, I still do.

I still have that videotape somewhere around here--I should put it up on e-bay!

Another One Bites the Dust



Christie Brinkley and Brigitte Nielsen need to hang out and play canasta. I think these two bitches would totally hit it off!!! Brinkley has separated from her fourth husband, Peter Cook. Personally, I think they looked too much alike--that has to be what killed this love affair. Peter was a step up from husband #3, Rick Taubman who pretty much sold his rights to his son Jack with Brinkley and was an all around shyster. And Billy, God bless him, kept running his cars into trees, which didn't help his looks one bit either. Her first husband was French, and that is enough reason for a divorce right there. Damn Frenchies.

From People Magazine:

Christie Brinkley and her fourth husband, architect Peter Cook, are going their separate ways after 10 years of marriage, the CoverGirl model's rep revealed Tuesday. "Yes, it's true. The couple has separated," publicist Elliot Mintz says in a statement, according to the Associated Press. Brinkley and Cook, 47, who live in New York's tony Hamptons region, have a daughter, Sailor, 8. Brinkley, 52, was previously married to artist Jean-François Allaux (1973-81), singer Billy Joel (1985-94) and developer Richard Taubman (1994-95). She and Joel have a 20-year-old daughter, Alexa, and she and Taubman have an 11-year-old son, Jack, whom Cook adopted after he and Brinkley wed in 1996. "(Christie's) immediate concern is for her children, and she's hoping during this obviously difficult time that people will be kind enough to respect her privacy," Mintz said.

I LOVE PAULA!!!!!


I am too old to be watching "The Real World. I know that, you don't have to tell me. I was in college when the first season came out, which now makes me really old. Again, no reminders needed. But in the dark recesses of the night, I watch it anyway. Apparently this season's resident FREAK SHOW Paula Meronek just got arrested for beating up her boyfriend. The same boyfriend who was arrested previously, for beating HER up. Can you believe this? His and Her arrests! It's FABULOUS! I think the two of them should have their own reality TV show wherein they beat the shit out of each other on a daily basis--in between Paula's bouts of bulimia and anorexia, of course. And let's not forget about her penchant for alcohol abuse either. God she is great. Paula's boyfriend could string her up like a bony pinata, and have at her with a baseball bat. THAT would be great TV. I need to put a call into Bunam-Murray Productions

From TMZ:

CROMWELL, Conn. (AP) -- A cast member on MTV's "The Real World" was arraigned on a misdemeanor assault charge after police said she bit her boyfriend during a domestic dispute.
Paula Ann Meronek, 25, allegedly bit her boyfriend several times when he refused to let her into their home early Sunday morning, police said. "I think it was an argument that led to one thing then another," said Cromwell Police Chief Anthony Salvatore. "He attempted to keep her from the house. It got physical and we were contacted." Meronek, who was arraigned Monday, was charged with third-degree assault, which carries a potential penalty of a year in prison. She is due back in court Aug. 11. No lawyer was listed in court documents.
Her boyfriend, John Alyward, was charged with disorderly conduct. The arrest was first reported by The Middletown Press. "The Real World," now in its 17th season, puts seven strangers together in an exotic locale -- this time in a Key West, Fla., beach house.
A call to the show's producer was not immediately returned.

The Coke Spoon Calling the Needle Black

I love nothing more than a an antidrug video sung by a bunch of drug addicts. This is wonderful. WONDERFUL!!! Stop the madness!

Duran Duran - The Chauffeur

I remember thinking this video was the epitome of high art. I was also 13 at the time. I thought Wham! and A-ha were also high art.

I still love the song, but the video blows ass.

Those Duran men were just a bunch of pervs.

PEOPLE WHO SHOULD ANNOY THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF ME, BUT DON'T, EDITION 1: BRIGITTE NIELSEN


Gitta should be one of those people that I love to hate. First she married Kaspar Winding, had a kid with him, abandoned both him and kid to go to L.A. and make a name for herself. Once in La La Land, She fooled around with Schwarzenneger, married Stallone, then got screwed around with Mark Gastineau (producing one, has-to-be-fucked-up kid). Next up was this Sebastian Copeland fellow, who she married, dumped, and THEN married and then some other guy, Raoul Meyer (producing two more, forever damaged sons). Are you still with me here? Then Gitta infamously hooked up with the vertically challenged and all around skeevy Flavor Flav on the Surreal Life and probably caught whatever STDs that previously evaded her during their romance, which spawned a reality show of their own, Strange Love). And let's not forget the stellar movies that she's made: Red Sonja?!? Come on now. This woman is a fucking trainwreck.

Which is precisely why I like her. She's nuts. Certifiably nuts, and doesn't give a fuck about what everybody else thinks about her--I mean, even Joan Rivers called her a cunt during an interview. GENIUS!!!!!! God I love Gitta. This is a woman who, while discussing her cervical cancer, smoked about 500 cigarettes during the interview. She drinks like a fish, has skin that has been tanned to a leathery hide, and is unapologetic about her plastic surgery. She chooses men that she towers over, and marries them in a haphazard fashion. So what if she's not legally divorced yet? She marries them anyway. Bucknuts, I tell you. She's done it again, actually. She "married" the latest teeny hairy man who is all of 28, Mattia Dessi last year, but the marriage wasn't legal due to that pesky prior marriage. But now she's made an honest man of him. I give it a year, tops, but I hope she has another kid. You know this bitch is crazy enough to do that too.

VIVA LA GITTA!!!

From People

Brigitte Nielsen married her fifth husband, Mattia Dessi, a former model from Italy, at the five-star Radisson SAS Golden Sands Resort & Spa in Malta on Saturday, PEOPLE has learned.

Nielsen, who turns 43 on July 15, and Dessi, 28, held a wedding ceremony in the Dominican Republic on Feb. 21, 2005 – but the nuptials were not legal because Nielsen had not finished divorcing her fourth husband, former race car driver Raoul Meyer.

Last year's ceremony "was more like an official engagement," Nielsen's longtime friend and manager, Luigi Balduini, tells PEOPLE. "They put it on the news that it was a marriage, but it was an engagement, because she was still legally married."

This time though, it's the real deal. Nielsen "is pretty excited," Balduini tells PEOPLE. "She is like a little child. She is pretty happy."

Nielsen is no stranger to unconventional situations. The 6-ft.-plus Danish actress's relationship with former Public Enemy rapper Flavor Flav, whom she met in 2004 on VH1's The Surreal Life, was chronicled on another reality series on the network, Strange Love, in 2005.

The show ended with Nielsen apparently choosing Dessi over Flav, but Balduini downplayed Nielsen's involvement with the hip-hop star, telling PEOPLE last year that it was "more of a strong friendship – but it's very heavy."

Nielsen was previously married to Sylvester Stallone (husband No. 2) and involved with former NFL star Mark Gastineau, with whom she has a teenage son, Killian. She has three other sons with ex-husbands Meyer and photographer Sebastian Copeland.

Nielsen began her career as a model for such designers as Giorgio Armani and Gianni Versace. In the mid-1980s, she made the transition to acting, starring in such action pictures as Red Sonja, Cobra, Rocky IV, and Beverly Hills Cop II.

KATHY GRIFFIN SHOULD STICK WITH HER GAYS



I am so pissed that I missed Kathy's interview on Larry King! Dammit all to hell. Anyhow, on the show, Kathy discussed the real reason for her divorce--her husband Matt was stealing money from her, to the tune of $72,000.

I know plenty of people out there hate Kathy Griffin and are thinking "good for Matt!" but I am not one of those people. I actually really like Kathy. Her comedy specials are hysterical and who can't love "My Life on the D-List? The woman, God love her, was not blessed with beauty of any sort, but has made a career for herself regardless in an industry where being hot is of utmost importance.

But anyhow, her husband Matt--who seems like a really nice guy on the show--lost 150 pounds or something like that--and gained a crapload of Kathy's money by sneaking off to the ATM while she was asleep. Was that really necessary? What was he buying? Forbidden boxes of Ho-Hos? Kathy stays with this guy through literally thick and thin, and this is how he repays her? Fuck him. Kathy is better off hanging out with her gaggle of gays, and her adorable parents.

I bet you that Matt will weigh 400 pounds within the year. Serves him right.

From People

Kathy Griffin: My Ex Stole $72,000 From Me

Comedian Kathy Griffin told CNN's Larry King that her marriage to Matthew Moline fell apart after she discovered he'd stolen $72,000 from her. In a Larry King Live interview that aired Monday night, Griffin, 45, said that Moline, a software entrepreneur, had taken the money from her bank accounts over an 18-month period. "My ex-husband, without my knowledge, was sneaking into my wallet when I was asleep in the mornings and taking my ATM cards of my own private accounts and withdrawing money," said the star of Bravo's My Life on the D-List."He admitted it and apologized and ... we went to couples therapy," she continued. "I really wanted to make it work." Griffin and Moline wed in 2001; Griffin filed for divorce in September 2005. After an attempted reconciliation, the divorce became official on May 17. When King suggested that, given showbiz salaries, $72,000 isn't all that much, Griffin said Moline's action had tainted her feelings toward him: "Unfortunately, we (were not) able to get beyond the trust issue."

King then read a statement submitted by Moline. "Since our divorce," it said, "I have not made any public comments about my ex-wife or our marriage. It saddens me that she would choose to make such accusations at this time. I have no intention of engaging in a public debate over private matters." Griffin, who occasionally cracked jokes during the interview (she even tried to get King to admit he'd had a facelift – he refused), said she has not been dating and has been putting all her energy into her work. "Eventually, I end up putting everything in the act," she said. "I kind of turn tragedy into comedy and I find that that's a great way for me to deal with it." She also said that talk-show hosts tend to have her on only once, given her outrageous behavior and remarks, and that she covets the bank account of former Three's Company star and Thigh Master mogul Suzanne Somers.